Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

Our Land: What is Beauty?

OurLandBannerFindingNineeToday’s Our Land post was authored by the wonderful and amazing Lizzy from The Muddle Headed Mama. Lizzy has lived and traveled all over the world and hopes to be a gypsy in her next life. She writes about her experiences as a (newly) single mom, muddle-headed moments, Italian lessons, and her lovely life views. She’s completely delightful. Her Our Land post today is one that I find really important. I look back at younger me and cannot believe how critical of myself I was. Being critical of myself is something I am consciously trying to not do now. Do I want my son to think that what size pants I wear defines how much value I bring to the world?

This is a long one. But an important one.  I appreciate Lizzy giving me this reminder. I appreciate her giving all of us this reminder.

Our Land: What is Beauty? 

I’m sure you’ve heard about it already.

It’s the latest in thinspiration, the younger sister of the ‘thigh gap’ and the current measuring stick – in the eyes of countless susceptible young women – for beauty.

They call it the bikini bridge. A girl who has one is a girl who, when lying on her back in a bikini, has a gap between her hipbones and her stomach. The ‘bridge’ is the material of her bikini bottoms that stretches over that gap between her hipbones. All over social media, young girls have sent in their selfies of their bridges in droves. It seems that everyone who has one wants the whole world to know about it.

But where does that leave everyone who doesn’t? With just one more reason to hate their bodies and feel horrendously uncomfortable in their own skins?

There are literally thousands of photos of bikini bridges on the web, many of them purporting messages such as these:

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I first read about this trend in an online article at the beginning of summer. I expected the feminist in me to feel outraged by it.

But, I surprised myself.

What I actually felt was a profound sense of sadness.

I did not feel sad because the article impacted my own self esteem. What I felt was an aching despondency for the fact that such a huge number of young women were allowing themselves to be objectified in this way and feeling beautiful because of it. Not even realising how they were being used.

Young women just like the teenagers I used to teach.

Young women just like my nieces will be in just a few years.

Young women just like my own little girl will be one day.

No matter how hard I try to protect her, this is the reality of the world she will grown up in: she may grow to be the smartest of all the girls she knows, or the funniest, the most talented, the most capable or the kindest, but all anyone will seem to want to know about is what she looks like in a bikini.

And then I realised, with that mixture of regret and sagacity that can only come via error and hindsight, that not so very long ago in the scheme of things, I, too, was one of those naive, susceptible girls, horrendously uncomfortable in my own body for no good reason, except the fact that I had no understanding back then of the difference between what is truly beautiful and what is, tragically, actually the objectification of women.

If I were a teenager now, would I be one of those girls sending in their bikini bridge selfie to Instagram or to Facebook? I would like to think not, but I honestly cannot say. I do know that my teenage self would have believed that having that coveted bikini bridge might have meant that someone would actually notice me and admire me and possible even love me. How many years of my life did I waste feeling miserable and inadequate when all along happiness was so close, waiting patiently for me to befriend it, and to say yes?

I packed those thoughts up and buried them. I had no time for regretting the past or fretting for the future; the present was so intense that it consumed my every moment. I didn’t think of the bikini bridge trend at all for weeks. Then, a few days ago, I was sitting on a bus, my daughter asleep in my lap, and I overheard a conversation between two young girls seated behind me. One was showing the other photos she has taken of herself showing off her bridge. The other was complimenting her, saying how lucky she was to be so skinny, while simultaneously putting her own self down, saying she’d never be able to have a bridge because she was too fat.

How I would have loved to have turned around to these young girls and gently told them my own thoughts on the topic.

Would they have listened to me? Of course not. Would I have listened myself at their age?

So I stayed staring out the window and as the bus drove on, I thought about what I would have loved to have said to them – what I would give anything to go back and be able to say to my own self – if only they, and I, would have listened. I would have said something like this …

teenage girls need to reassess the meaning of beauty #bikinibridge

 

Dear teenage girls, dear teenage Me, 

If you really want to be happy, you must reassess what you believe to be the meaning of beauty.

Beauty has nothing to do with the gap between your hipbones or your thighs, or the number of lines on your face. Beauty is not something you starve yourself to achieve. It is not something you can purchase. It is not something tangible that can be weighed and measured. 

Beauty is not about constantly striving to outdo other women or objectifying yourself to satisfy.

Striving and objectifying are not beautiful.

So what is beautiful? 

Patience is beautiful.

The patience of a mother who moves at the pace of her child, and not at her own. 

The patience of lovers who wait faithfully when their loves are far away. 

The patience of a mother whose heart has been broken by the cruel words and rebellion of her teenaged child who waits, all the time loving constantly, for those years to pass and the love of their child to return. 

The patience of a spouse who has watched their love grow away from them throughout the years but who waits, with a hopeful and forgiving heart, for their beloved to remember the reasons for their love and to turn their heart back to them. 

Confidence is beautiful.

Not the confidence that comes as a result of make-up or expensive clothes or being thin enough to feel accepted into an exclusive tribe, but the confidence that comes through inner peace and satisfaction; the confidence that comes from a place of self acceptance.

Contentment is beautiful.

A women who constantly strives to outdo others and is never satisfied with her achievements, her body or her face is not a beautiful woman. A beautiful woman is a woman whose soul has stopped striving and is at rest; in her presence you do not feel scrutinised, measured or assessed. You can relax when she is with you. She is not selfish with her beauty. Her beauty make those around her beautiful too.

Courage is beautiful.

The courage to say yes when everyone else is saying no, and the courage to say no when everyone else is saying yes.

The courage to walk away from all the people around you who call you friend, or lover, because you know that their friendship or their love does not make you happy and does not allow you to be the person you were born to be. And yes, because of your courage, you will be lonely, but that loneliness will pass. I promise you that it will pass.

And I also promise you this: unless you walk away from those who drag you down, who try to change you and turn you into what they need you to be to satisfy their own desires or to lessen the pain of their own insecurities, you will never have the chance to go out and find your own tribe – the ones who were meant, all along, to call you friend, or lover. The ones who want you to succeed; who celebrate your talents. The ones who can help you ignite that fire inside of you.

They are there. Believe me, they are there. But they are not going to come knocking on the door to rescue you. First you need to be brave enough to step away from what is not right for you, no matter how comfortable and comforting your zone of security has become.

That means not everyone is going to like you. That means some people are even going to hate you. But open your eyes: people already dislike you. No matter what you do, there will always be people who dislike you. That thing you fear most? Let it go. It has already happened.
But how do I find these things? 

Find your bliss. Your bliss is what you do without counting the minutes while you are doing it. Your bliss is what you would choose to do, over and over again without getting paid, rather than sleep. It took me thirty years to find the courage to start following my bliss, but I always knew what my bliss was going to be since I was a little girl. Sometimes I wonder how different my life might have been had I had the courage to follow it earlier. I have a feeling that most people know in the back of their minds what their own bliss will be, but few actually ever dare to talk about it, for fear of being ridiculed.

Do not underestimate the power of music. Music has to ability not only to lift your spirits, but to heal you on a subconscious level too. You are never too old to gain pleasure from playing an instrument.

Leave your comfort zone. Travel. It could be to the other side of the world, but it doesn’t have to be. It could be traveling to the other side of the city to do voluntary work with people from a different background or demographic from your own. When you re-enter your comfort zone again, you will see things from a different perspective.

Listen to old people. They have a lifetime of stories, wisdom and hindsight to share. Savour their wisdom. Learn whatever you can from their hindsight. 
But why should I bother? 

Understand that the media wants you to hate yourself. They need you to hate yourself. When you hate yourself, you are weak and vulnerable. It is easier to sell things to you when you are weak and vulnerable, when your self esteem is rock bottom. Diet pills, diet shakes, diet plans, exercise machines, tanning lotions, anti-aging potions, the perfect make-up, the perfect tummy-tucking underwear – the list is endless. As long as they can keep you hating yourself, they can keep bringing out new products to improve the way you look and you just keep buying them. 

You need to remember how hard women have fought to ensure that the generations of women who came after them would be given the same rights as their male counterparts. Not so very long ago, suffragettes starved themselves in prison so that someone might actually start paying serious attention to their cause. If you are going to starve yourself, do not do it to make yourself look sexually appealing. If nothing else, I think we owe that to the women whose suffering paved the way for the rights we now seem to take so easily for granted. 

You know in your heart that what you really want is a fulfilling and lasting relationship with a person you can trust and who can respect you. You do not want a partner who is distracted or tempted by the bodies of other women or by the lure of pornography. To find a man who will respect you with his body and his mind, you need to first respect yourself. You are not a piece of meat to be masturbated over. Throw away the photo of your bikini bridge or your ambition to have one. You do not need thousands of men masturbating over you. You are worth far more than that.

You are a unique, extraordinary and powerful human being. No one other person in the world has or has had or will ever have exactly the same DNA or finger prints or tooth formation as you do. No one person has ever had an identical set of experiences or thought every thought that you have ever thought. There is a purpose in this life for you to pursue that you alone can fulfill. 

And lastly, remember this: You are enough. You have always been enough. But you will only start to feel it when you start to think it. Your thoughts are the most powerful thing you have. Shift them, if they need shifting. Destroy them, if they need destroying and then rebuild them into something mighty and radiant. Let your thoughts radiate the beauty that has always been inside you.


You are as beautiful as you think you are.

This will always be my favourite photo of me in a bikini. I will never feel more beautiful than I did that day.

Right? I think she’s more beautiful in her bikini, pregnant, than any bikini bridge, ever. Do I feel that I am beautiful? No. But I realize that I need to re-evaluate how I see myself, too. Lizzy is amazing. Here’s a bit more about her:

Lizzy Allan is a single mum of two, a teacher by trade and a gypsy by nature. She blogs about her frequent collisons with chaos, her memories of living in Swden and Sicily and her eccentric family over at The Muddle-Headed Mamma. You can also find her on google plus here, on twitter here, instagram here and bloglovin’ here.

 


  • Deb @ Urban Moo Cow - Loved this, reminded me of my own piece here. I also felt a sinking sadness as opposed to an outrage. Just… really? Another one? But another one will always pop up, right? Until we address the core issue. And yes, you are stunning in that bikini photo. 🙂June 18, 2014 – 12:00 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - It reminded me of your piece as well, Deb. And I hear you on another one. We need to address the core issue, which is so hard to do when we have so much (well, me, anyway) body hate of our own.June 18, 2014 – 5:02 pmReplyCancel

    • Lizzy - Muddle-Headed Mamma - Thank you Deb 🙂 I’m off to find your own Our Land post now. xxJune 21, 2014 – 3:19 amReplyCancel

  • Mike - Terrific post, Lizzi! This part caught my attention, “If I were a teenager now, would I be one of those girls sending in their bikini bridge selfie to Instagram or to Facebook?” First off, the pressure on young ladies to keep up with their peers today is enormous. And so dang unneccessary…that’s the infuriating part. A lot of is self-perpetuating amongst themselves and magnified by the media and entertainment factor. Some of things they are doing these days (too much unbeknownst by their parents) is scary. 10 years ago many predicted an evolution back to the 50’s in morality and behavior and not sure what they were thinking. Lordy…I’m just chatting it up tonight. Btw…pregnant women are the most beautiful of all in the world. Their aura lights up and entire street block 🙂June 18, 2014 – 1:33 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Mike, that part got to me, too. Makes me wonder (not wonder very much, because I’d probably be guilty) whether I’d have posted photos like that, too. I agree that pregnant women are the most beautiful in all of the world. The pressure to be ultra-thin from media and peers is horrible. I’m not sure what we can do to fix it. Thanks for your insightful comment, Mike. I appreciate it.June 18, 2014 – 5:08 pmReplyCancel

  • Janine Huldie - Love Lizzy and still totally adore her sentiments on this. And that photo of her is still absolutely my favorite, too!!! 🙂June 18, 2014 – 7:27 amReplyCancel

  • Kerri - Loved this and so glad Lizzi let you share her post here. I think the strongest point is if we were skinny and teenagers would we fall into the bridge trap? Um, probably. Her words are so powerful I hope a teen does read it and rethink that choiceJune 18, 2014 – 9:51 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I think we would have fallen into the bridge trap. I still look at those photos and think they look good. Sigh. Thanks so much, Kerri and I’m glad she let me share her post here, too!June 18, 2014 – 5:11 pmReplyCancel

  • Echo - This is a great article. The things that are pushed on girls now a days as beautiful, still astounds me.June 18, 2014 – 10:44 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Me, too, Echo. Me, too. It’s just sad. And stays with us and them and we need to find a way to fix it…June 18, 2014 – 5:14 pmReplyCancel

  • Tracie - This is beautiful. I am going to share it with my tween daughter. Because these are the kinds of lessons I want to teach her early – hopefully before the words of the world get a chance to tear her down and skew her vision of what real beauty is.June 18, 2014 – 12:01 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I’d love to hear about your tween daughter’s thoughts on it, Tracie. It’s so hard to shape our kids to know the value of exercise and health but also that it’s not about being skinny. Sigh.June 18, 2014 – 5:16 pmReplyCancel

  • Elizabeth - Great post! Maybe all adolescents just need to go through that questioning and questing to become comfortable with body changes over which they have no control. It might just be inevitable and we, as a society, need to demonstrate that maturity and adulthood means truly outgrowing and moving past that “body focus” stage. You have done an amazing job laying the foundation for what that could look like!June 18, 2014 – 12:19 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I think she did an amazing job too, Elizabeth, and I wish that everybody could be more comfortable with their bodies. It’s so hard for teens to see the bigger picture at times – at least, it was for me…June 18, 2014 – 5:35 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - Glad you had pictures. I was clueless. I am so glad I am not a teenager anymore. It was hard enough trying to go to school with perfect hair. Body image in the 80s wasn’t a thing – at least I don’t think it was. This is great information for all of us. I don’t know when I started being concerned about my waistline. I even gained 15 lbs my freshman year in college and didn’t sweat it. I really try to concentrate on being healthy versus thin but it’s hard. I need that confidence. Oh and music – yes – that makes me feel GOOD.June 18, 2014 – 1:27 pmReplyCancel

  • Kristi Campbell - I was clueless, too, Kenya and had never heard of the bikini bridge until Lizzy wrote about it. I’m glad I’m no longer a teenager as well but wish I had the waistline now that I did then (and the attitude about it).June 18, 2014 – 5:37 pmReplyCancel

  • Tamara - Funny because I always had a bikini bridge, although I never really thought about it or called it that other than to think, “My hip bones are weapons.” When I was pregnant, I finally felt beautiful for the first time.June 18, 2014 – 6:54 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Aw, when I met you, you weren’t pregnant (or um at least not showing if you are!!) and I thought you are beautiful.June 19, 2014 – 9:35 amReplyCancel

  • Dana - I understand Lizzy’s sadness, but I have some anger along with that sadness. I’m angry because I have a teenage daughter and I would hate for her to feel less than in any way because of this bizarre bikini bridge phenomena. Although when I just asked her if she knew what it was, she didn’t. I hope she doesn’t google it, but if she does I’m forwarding her the link to this page.June 18, 2014 – 8:18 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Dana – Let’s get MAD. I’m glad that your daughter doesn’t know what the bridge thing is. I hope she never knows. Or, better yet, never cares because that’s not how we should be measuring ourselves.June 19, 2014 – 9:36 amReplyCancel

  • Sarah @ LeftBrainBuddha - OMG that ad about “real women have bridges” is absolutely HORRIFYING!!! Thank you for this .. I had never heard of bridges. so creepy.June 18, 2014 – 9:49 pmReplyCancel

  • linda Atwell - Out One Ear - There is so much to comment on in this piece and body image is something all (or at least most) women struggle with. Part the part I love best is describing yourself as a gypsy. I want to be a gypsy. Of course I want to be comfortable with my body too, but my bliss is when I’m traveling or planning traveling or packing for traveling. I must be a gypsy too. Great piece.June 19, 2014 – 2:00 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Linda, I knew you’d relate to the gypsy part! Where’s your next trip? Do tell so I can live vicariously through you (although we are going to PA for a Thomas the Train day with our BFFs which should be really fun but not, you know, Costa Rica). And yeah, the body image thing is so hard. To teach health and fitness but not that worth comes from pants size is so hard when it’s hard to believe it ourselves.June 19, 2014 – 10:00 amReplyCancel

      • Linda Atwell - Out One Ear - We are headed to Alaska on a cruise on the 27th of June and then to Whistler the middle of July. I feel very fortunate. BTW, I’ve been absent in the writing arena lately because of Lindsey and Nick (and traveling). Nick has another big surgery tomorrow. But OHSU doctors believe he will recover rather quickly from this one. His weight, spirits and personality are coming back in full force and we love that. But he and Lindsey haven’t even been living in the same house for the past two months. His mother is taking care of him to make sure he gets the proper nutrition and gains the necessary weight. It was touch and go for awhile. I hope we are past that now. Lindsey is missing him and wants him to return home sooner, rather than later–but it still may be several more months before that happens. I loved when I could write about the advice they give and hope I’ll be doing that again soon. Right now, I’m finding it hard to share some of the things we are going through (and to respect Nick’s privacy). I hope he (and I) will feel better about all this and be able to share publicly (at least on a generic level). 🙂June 19, 2014 – 1:06 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ The Meaning of Me - Lizzy’s piece and Joy Christi’s comment are both spot on. It is good to know there are others out there who recognize what true beauty is and can stand against the, well, nonsense that the media tries to force into the brains of our young women. Honestly, this makes me worry terribly for my daughter as she grows…but I’m saving this so as we have these talks about beauty and body image and all the things that really matter in life, I will have these great words at hand.June 19, 2014 – 4:27 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Beauty and body image are SO hard. I’d thought I’d conquered my issues as a teen but as I age, find that they’re right here, now, back, in the form of wrinkles and sighs. Such an important message for everybody, I think.June 19, 2014 – 11:58 pmReplyCancel

      • Lisa @ The Meaning of Me - I hear you. It bothers me that I find myself comparing myself to other moms when I am in a group of them for a kid party, at church, school, whatever. I know I shouldn’t – especially since many of them are in their late 20s or early 30s and I’m in my mid-40s. It’s a whole different world. I sometimes wonder if we aren’t just so programmed to be too body-conscious and so we can’t help ourselves. Doesn’t make it better – it’s still sad.June 21, 2014 – 10:23 amReplyCancel

  • Lizzy - Muddle-Headed Mamma - Thank you so much for featuring this post, Kristi. I feel so honoured. Sorry it’s taken me so long to comment – I haven’t been on the net for the last two days. This is the most controversial post I’ve ever written. I love that it resonates so deeply with so many women, but I also know there are other readers who did not like the post. Perhaps when I was younger I would not have liked it either. I just hope that my own daughter may be able to gain something from it one day and not waste so many years of her life hating her self the way I did. Sending you lots of love. xxJune 20, 2014 – 1:21 amReplyCancel

  • Marcia @ Menopausal Mother - This is so beautifully written! I had a bikini bridge once….for about a year out of my life. Honestly though, I agree–I think my body was at its finest when I was carrying my children!June 20, 2014 – 10:47 pmReplyCancel

  • Yvonne - I read this first time, and it’s still a great post.
    “You are enough.” That’s it, that’s all we need to remember.June 21, 2014 – 6:59 amReplyCancel

  • Chris Carter - Ahhhh…. yes! What a beautiful piece!! I too feel sadness, overwhelming defeat about the force of such a twisted and misleading guide to beauty that constantly saturates our culture. I too, worry about my ‘chubby daughter’ who is clearly aware of this type of measurement…

    And I will continue to reinforce the truth as best I can onto her fragile and vulnerable heart. God made her beautiful- she is ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’…

    Beauty is truly measured not by weight, but by character. Period.June 25, 2014 – 10:50 amReplyCancel

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