Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

Sometimes, There’s Nothing To Say When There’s So Much To Say

Sometimes, we have so much to say that there’s nothing to say.

Actually, strike that.

Sometimes, we have so much to say that finding the tip of the tangled ball of thoughts that sits on our shoulders and whispers into our ears while trying to tame and untangle a stretch of it to resemble anything that makes sense is so exhausting and frustrating that saying nothing at all is what ends up happening. 

Having so much to say, and not being able to speak through tears or friendships or people we’re related to makes us quiet.

While wanting to gather ourselves and gather together while creating peace and light, we know that sometimes, doing so is utterly impossible and would be like humming Mozart into a black hole.

Knowing causes fingers to hesitate over keyboards. Knowing gives voices an out-of-place question mark when we speak even as we question why there’s a question mark at the end of a statement.

And so, instead, we gather our thoughts and resolutions and the tangled yarn perched on our shoulders in silence and await the day when we are able to roar.

In the meantime, reaching out and asking “But why?” while listening is helpful to avoid not storming out while wailing departure as others shake their heads at our shrinking backs. To do so would mean walking away from conversations even as our tears and anger blur ridiculous bumper stickers in the driveway.

Sometimes, retreating inward and gathering our yarn and our stardust and getting away with a stolen nap in the middle of the day makes more sense.

Sometimes, that’s how we grow our conviction and our roars.

I, for one, am not giving up. I will stand and dream and speak until my voice croaks into a puff about wanting a land of empathy and wonder where children with disabilities are accepted with the same eagerness as those without. Where women are able to open their doors to repairmen with the same abandonment as men are. Where skin color is simply a feature. Where marriage means a legal and God-blessed union of two people, regardless of sexual orientation or gender.

I’ve been quiet recently, here in my little space on the interwebs, but I will not always be quiet.

I have not been quiet in real life. I’ve called and supported and signed, and continue to wonder what else I can do while knowing that most of all, doing anything starts here at home.

With my not-so-little little boy. 

Sometimes, not being quiet means being quiet while walking to a river to skip stones. Finding the perfect flatness and rounded edges of a rock at the shore feels like doing something important. 

Because when is skipping stones with a seven-year-old not mostly more important than anything?

fn-mom-and-boy-river

When I was small, I dreamt of ants crawling on me while I slept. Nothing but my mother made them disappear. She came to my room, turned on the bedside light, and pulled my sheets all the way down to show me that only the yellow and pink threads of sheets were beneath and above me.

No ants.

She brushed the sheets off anyway and tickled my back until I fell asleep. 

As I got older, I knew I was too old for ants and instead, made my bed, put the pillow into the sham even though that was the hard part, and carried a blanket into my younger brother’s room. I slept on his floor until the soft light of morning reminded me that there were no ants, and that even when it’s dark, the sun is somewhere.

I got away with that, for a while.

***

It was 3:00 am when my son came to get me. “I need you,” he said. “I had a bad dream, and I need you.”

“Okay,” I said, and I grabbed my water and followed him to his room. His were not dreams of ants on the sheets and so I did not need to turn on the light to sweep them away. I did tuck his sheets back into the fold, and lied down next to him.

“Tickle my back?” he said.

“Of course,” I replied, and remembered my own mother doing the same with me.

Instead of leaving, I stayed, and thought about the thoughts storming inside, the tangled yarn on my shoulder, the fear, and the resolution.

His little chest grew calm, as did mine.

And I knew and I know that although I’ve been silent here in the interwebs, that I have not been silent outside of them and that I never will be, until my voice one day croaks away.

***

We walked to the bus stop, and my little boy told me about his dream. It wasn’t a bad dream, but he was looking for me in it after falling “in a pit that was 53 feet deep with a stranger.” “I called ‘Mommy, Daddy!’ but you didn’t come,” he said.

I kissed his head, “that must have been so scary!”

“It was,” he said. “But it wasn’t real.”

“How did you know?” I asked.

“Because you always come when I need you for bad dreams,” he said.

***

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post, as most these days seem to be. This week’s sentence is “I totally got away with…”

And yes, I used it, if you scroll back up. I got away with a nap, and a loose interpretation of the sentence I suppose.

Your hosts are:
Me, Kristi from Finding Ninee
and this week’s wonderful and amazing sentence thinker-upper, Dana, from Kiss My List.

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  • Emily - This post actually made me miss the days when my kids used to wake me in the middle of the night, and I must say I didn’t love having my sleep interrupted so this post must be THAT good. 🙂 And, I’m glad you got away with a nap!December 1, 2016 – 10:22 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Wow thanks, Emily! I don’t like my sleep interrupted either but I’m all sentimental these days knowing that I only have a short time when he wants me (and believes in Santa) after having bad dreams!!! xooDecember 2, 2016 – 11:44 pmReplyCancel

  • Kelly L McKenzie - Please, when times are rough, remember: Because you always come when I need you for bad dreams …” That’s everything.December 1, 2016 – 10:54 pmReplyCancel

  • Kelly L McKenzie - Please, when times are rough, remember: Because you always come when I need you for bad dreams …” That’s everything.December 1, 2016 – 10:54 pmReplyCancel

  • Kerry - You won’t always be so quiet and silent. I know that is true Kristi. You don’t quite know what to say these days and neither do I really. I am trying to organize my thoughts, but they are somewhat scattered lately.
    Aw, bad dreams are the worst, for children and at any age really, but having you to go to and to comfort, as you were comforted by him, that makes all the difference. That’s really what will stay with you both always.
    Off to sort out my own ball of tangled nonsense now and I hope to return to FTSF next time. Glad I read this though.December 3, 2016 – 2:49 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I know and thank you so much for saying so Kerry. It’s true that we all gather thoughts and yarn as we need to and speak when we need to as well… hope to see you at FTSF soon 🙂December 3, 2016 – 9:46 pmReplyCancel

  • Kelli - I don’t know how you do it when you tie so many stories into each other and then make them come together but you are an artist at it and I thinkin I read somewhere that you were going to write a book and I hope you will becauae I will read it!December 4, 2016 – 10:03 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - You’re so sweet and thank you! I am kinda sorta writing a book and you know I’ll most definitely talk about it here if (WHEN!!!!) I finish it!December 5, 2016 – 10:39 pmReplyCancel

  • Lux - Beautiful. Never be silent as we need your voice and we need to hear your thoughts. 🙂December 5, 2016 – 2:56 amReplyCancel

  • JT Walters - I’ve been silent too. You know why. I thought I was the only person in the world or Mother for that fact that had to take a cat nap every once and a while. Sleep lends perspective.

    Government can not give you what you want. They can make laws but then their is the enforcement of loving and accepting everybne which is never going to happen because Government wants a divided country.

    What you dream of can be accomplished with your writing in a positive loving light which I have cme to love so much. None of these ideas you have to sell me on. You know that. But for everyone who reads your blog another 10 might hear of it and exponentially it grows. Change begins with each person. We can choose to love and accept each other or to hate but it is a choice at the end of the day.

    Keep writing and you will see those changes in attitudes you dream of. It is already on the horizon.

    We could not be more different politically and yet we agree in equality for all. Keep writing sweets because it will make your dreams come true but with honey and not vinegar.

    But of course, skipping rocks and hanging with Tucker is way more fun and important than changing the world. So Mom first superwoman second.December 5, 2016 – 11:28 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Sleep is AWESOME at times. For real. And yeah, the gov’t is well, sigh. I can’t believe it’s where it is right now. You keep writing as well. I so hope you do. You know.December 6, 2016 – 10:29 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - Goosebumps @ you always come. That’s sooo sweet.

    I’ve been quiet too and I don’t know how to get the un-quiet back…..

    First step – getting around to everyone I’ve missed.December 6, 2016 – 6:37 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Right? I thought it was so sweet too. I am a little sad though at how many of these cute things he says that I forget… and yeah, getting the un-quiet back is hard. So hard. Glad you’re touring around though. <3December 6, 2016 – 10:30 pmReplyCancel

  • Yvonne - Wow, that is lovely that Tucker knows his dreams aren’t real because you come when he has bed dreams.

    I can relate to so much of this, to having so many thoughts you can’t find words to speak (or write.) I’ve also not been posting much on my blog lately, but am writing.

    I’ve gone back to writing fiction and am working on a new novel.

    And yes skipping stones with a 7 year old and going to him when he has bed dreams is definitely helping the world. He will grow up to treat others with kindness because he has been treated that way. We parents have far more power than we realise.December 8, 2016 – 6:00 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - It’s usually real that he knows they aren’t real, although often, that doesn’t keep him from being frightened and I’m so fine with that. I know these young years will be soon gone (and are already fading)… I’m so happy you’re working on a new novel! I’ve been sucking at that. Did Nano but no new words… I need to get back. And yah, we parents have much power. We need to remember our voices are those in our kids heads!December 11, 2016 – 10:33 pmReplyCancel

  • Allie - I’ve been quiet on the internet, too. Just don’t know really what to say, you know? Over it. And skipping stones is always more important.December 8, 2016 – 7:06 pmReplyCancel

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