Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

Our Land: Do All Kids Have Special Needs?

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Today’s Our Land Series was written by my new friend Amanda of Everything Special Ed. Amanda is a mom, a special needs advocate, and author of The Everything Parent’s Guide to Special Education.  She uses her experience to help parents understand and navigate the confusing world of IEPs and special education and empowers them with the knowledge to productively meet with teachers and therapists. In short, she’s awesome. Plus? She’s giving away a copy of her book today – right here. Just leave a comment to enter and good luck!

Our Land: Do All Kids Have Special Needs?
By Amanda Morin

I have two children with special needs.  I’m still getting used to saying that and I never know quite how I’m supposed to do it. Do I say, “I have three children, but only two of them have special needs?”  Is it more appropriate to say, “Two out of my three children have special needs?”  Is what I really mean; “Only one of my three kids doesn’t have special needs?”

It’s a strange phrase anyway. I mean, synonyms for the word “special” include words like unusual, different, unique, and individual.  Give that definition, don’t all kids have special needs?

For a long time I was just a mom. I had one child and she was delightful. Her special need was (and continues to be) the need to do it all herself. She was stubborn, a little bossy, but overall fairly good-natured.  By the time she was six, I was mom of a good-natured kid and a difficult baby who had some “stuff going on.” As the years passed, that baby grew into a tough toddler and sensory overloaded preschooler.  I was mom of a kid with “autism-like stuff going on.”

“How lucky that your son has an early intervention specialist as a mother,” doctors kept telling me.  Lucky? That’s not the word that popped into my head.

Easier? Perhaps.

Convenient? Maybe.

Enlightening?  Definitely.

Sure, my background made it easier to know how to put structure and interventions into place. It was convenient to know who the specialists were, what their wait lists looked like and who might be able to find answers to how to help this amazing—but puzzling—child.

But the experience of having my own child who brought about more questions than answers was enlightening. In our new land, the one where empathy and wonder rules, I began to wonder if I’d been empathetic enough to the families I’d worked with.

Benjamin

Becoming a Qualified Mom

When Jacob was finally diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and an anxiety disorder in grade school, I was no longer just a mom. I was a qualified mom. Not in the way you might think—no special certifications were needed, no classes were taken. No, I was qualified because people started adding qualifiers for me.

I was a special needs mom. An autism mom. Mom to a “twice exceptional” (or 2E) child.  I was the mom of the child who was at the top of his class, but was constantly removed from class for what were deemed behavior problems.

“Your son is so lucky to have you as a mother,” people told me. Their expressions told me they didn’t think I was nearly as lucky to have him as a son.

I was the mom who was fighting with the school district to get special education services in place for a child who was “too smart” to need them. I was the mom of the kid who spent nearly 100 days away from home in a residential hospital-school setting.

“You’re a special education advocate?” one playground mom marveled, “Well, a child with special needs couldn’t have picked a better mother if he tried!”

What a funny thing to say.  He didn’t pick me any more than I got to pick the title “mom” with no qualifiers in front of it.  But that was okay.  Because even though by then my good-natured daughter had morphed into a baffling teenager and our family had expanded to include another child. There were three of them and two of us, but at least special needs didn’t outnumber us.

Meg_Benjamin_AMorin

A Game-Changer

Although I’m still not sure you should have more children than you have parents or hands for, the scoreboard was adding up evenly.  Parents: 2; Special Needs: 1.

We had this covered. We had the defense, we had the offense, we had this game in the bag! Except that we forgot something: When you’re a special needs parent, the game is always changing.

When I was growing up, there was a comic strip about a boy named Calvin and his imaginary tiger (and friend) Hobbes.  They played a wacky, simple, but confusing game called Calvinball.

The main rule is that the game can’t be played the same way twice. The other main rule is that all the rules can be changed or disregarded by any player and they don’t have to be followed.    Also:

Any player can declare a new rule at any time of the game and he can do it either out loud or silently.

Keeping score doesn’t matter. The points don’t matter to the game and the way you keep score can’t make sense.

The day I realized my youngest son wasn’t just having a trauma reaction to his brother’s overwhelming personality and being away from home for months, the rules of our game changed.

The day he was diagnosed with a bilateral stereotypic movement disorder and ADHD, I realized it didn’t matter that the score was now Parents: 2; Special Needs: 2.

Because in our world the score could have just as well been Parents: Q; Special Needs: Triangle.

The score didn’t matter.

The best thing about Calvinball is the same thing that makes it hard to play—you get to make up the rules of the game. And for me the rules of our game are simple:

I have three children, all of whom have needs that make them special. They all have the ability to make me laugh, make me cry, irritate me and make me proud.

To the rest of the world, two of those children have special needs, which don’t define who they are, but it helps me define who I am. My boys make me more empathetic. They help me see the small joys and triumphs in the world. They help me appreciate the bigger joys and triumphs of my daughter.

BOYS

The Points Don’t Matter

When I talk to parents who are just starting the process of figuring out what the game will look like for them, knowing that it doesn’t have to follow other people’s rules comes as a relief. Knowing that there are other players out there making up the rules as they go helps them feel less isolated and a little more connected.

I may not know how to say I have two kids with special needs, but I don’t mind saying it.  It’s a point that doesn’t have any bearing on the game.

More about Amanda because she’s awesome and you wanna know, right? 

x-defaultAmanda Morin is an education writer and works with parents as a special education advocate. She uses her experience as an early interventionist, teacher and a special needs parent to inform her work.

She is the author two books, including the newly released, The Everything Parent’s Guide to Special Education. Amanda writes for many outlets, including the National Center for Learning Disabilities, Education.com and PopSugar Moms.

She has worked with renowned experts to provide parents with accurate, up-to-date and actionable information on child development, parenting, and educational topics. Amanda knows that giving parents the tools to advocate for and teach their children is an empowering way to affirm the pivotal role parents play in a child’s education.

And guess what? You can win a copy of Amanda’s book! That’s right – she wants to give you her book! Just leave a comment saying you’d like to be entered, and we’ll randomly draw a winner and she’ll send it to you. Cool, right? 

Find more of Amanda at:  www.everythingspecialed.com
Twitter: @AmandaMorin
Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/AmandaMorinTeaches
Google Plus: https://plus.google.com/u/0/+AmandaMorin/


  • Diane - Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant!May 21, 2014 – 10:15 amReplyCancel

  • Allie Smith - Okay, I love this, because I never know what to say either!!!! I have four kids – three that have IEPs. One has autism and is in a self contained classroom. One has learning disabilities and gets support for reading and test modifications. One has terrible articulation, so he is pulled out for speech therapy twice a week. According to the school system, they’re all in special education! It’s just so difficult. I’ll mention that I’m going to an IEP meeting for one of the younger two, and I’ll get an reaction like, “They have an IEP?” Frustrating. Then there’s child number four – who I also think has special needs, cause she’s too smart for her own good.

    Greta post – I’m going to check out your book, as well. I wish that had been around ten years ago!May 21, 2014 – 10:41 amReplyCancel

    • Misty - i would love to hear more about the testing accommodations your child receives!May 21, 2014 – 11:01 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Allie,
      Wow, what a lot of IEPs to keep track of but so good for your kids that they’re getting the services that they need from school. We should talk about the one who has terrible articulation – I’d be curious as to the type of speech therapy you’re doing and how his speech patterns/articulation has evolved. Tucker’s speech is his biggest challenge, I think. Often, he’ll switch word sounds around so things like “music” become “mu-isk” and “small” is “moffs.” I know you’re getting ready for your super-cool roadtrip but would love to chat when you get back!May 21, 2014 – 11:04 amReplyCancel

    • Amanda - It’s so hard to find the right words! People whose kids aren’t in special education don’t always understand that the I in IEP is for “individualized,” so I find they have a hard time getting that “special education” can look drastically different from one kid to the next. And please do check out the book! (I wish I had it ten years ago, too.)May 21, 2014 – 1:34 pmReplyCancel

  • Misty - i have to admit that i usually shy away from your our land posts. i have a hard time reading the heart breaking stories shared here, and to be completely honest, i’m often left feeling that i should never complain about the hand my family has been dealt because there are tons of families who face challenges and heart break that i cannot truly imagine. i shy away from the words special and disability and have rebelled against an autism diagnosis for as long as i can remember it being put on the table. my daughter and her struggles seem completely minuscule compared with the stories shared here. and i feel so guilty because i am so glad that her struggles are minuscule, and that just makes me feel like i’m trespassing on those brave families who are willing to share their stories week after week. i never felt a common bond before today, but after reading this post, i realize that special education is the common thread that binds us all together. i’m putting amanda and her books on my to read list for the summer! thanks for sharing!May 21, 2014 – 10:47 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Hey Misty,
      I’m so glad that you told me how you feel about the Our Land posts. There are times when I feel really guilty, too, because compared to so much, Tucker is really really easy. He’s loving, mobile, funny, and loves to snuggle and play. I know that not everybody gets to experience those things with their children so I feel guilty about it too. But you know what? The thing is – every single person has issues they’re working out, special needs and not, and just because somebody else’s are worse, does not mean that ours aren’t meaningful in our own lives, ya know?
      It’s easy to dismiss our own struggles knowing others have it worse, but things could ALWAYS be worse. Always. I don’t think you’re trespassing on the brave families but totally get where you’re coming from.
      Still, though, I’m sorry that they make you feel that way. I think everybody has a right to complain…

      In fact, next week, I’m doing an Our Land compilation along with Kerri Ames about how everybody has a challenge. Let me know if you’d like to participate or want more details. And you’re right – special education does bind us all! xoMay 21, 2014 – 11:09 amReplyCancel

    • Amanda - I know how you feel about feeling as though you can’t complain because somebody else’s story is more compelling or heartbreaking. I used to worry a lot about that when I wrote about my family’s experience and wondered if people will feel I’m making comparisons. But I’ve realized that no matter what you’re dealing with, it’s hard for you and that can’t be minimized, nor is it less worthy of mention than other people’s “stuff.” I totally agree, too, that pecial education is the common bond!May 21, 2014 – 1:46 pmReplyCancel

  • Elizabeth - I love the Calvinball analogy, very apt. 🙂 I am fairly sure that in my family, I am like your oldest daughter, followed by another daughter with issues that went undiagnosed. From that perspective, I very much appreciate the frame in which you keep her needs in mind along with the needs of your sons.May 21, 2014 – 10:59 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Elizabeth, I love it, too (and love Calvin and Hobbs in general). Thanks for your thoughtful comment and I agree that it’s important to keep everybody’s needs in mind.May 21, 2014 – 11:14 amReplyCancel

    • Amanda Morin - Thank you! When you have kids with stuff going on, it can be really easy to think that the kid(s) who don’t are OK or don’t need you as much. Being the sibling of kids with higher-level needs is really tough on my daughter, so I try really hard to be there for her and know what she needs. Although, she is a teenager, so right now that’s pretty frequently money and food. 🙂May 21, 2014 – 1:50 pmReplyCancel

  • Janine Huldie - What can I say that hasn’t bee said here except that I very much enjoyed reading this today and even kids who don’t necessarily have special needs still do have their own needs, wants and desires, too from their parents and trust me with two little girls (who aren’t special needs) I have learned this and still learning this daily. Thank you for sharing this here today with all of us.May 21, 2014 – 11:15 amReplyCancel

  • Sarah - I would love to entered to win what sounds like an excellent resource. I, too, wondered about my performance (as a special educator) after I had a child with special needs. Experience makes us more compassionate!May 21, 2014 – 12:28 pmReplyCancel

    • Amanda Morin - It’s a weird realization, isn’t it? I had a professor in college who said she thought parents make better teachers. I get that now. Maybe our kids make us better special educators!May 21, 2014 – 1:54 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I think you’re right, Sarah! Being on the parenting side of special needs makes it real (not that I know what it feels like to be a special ed teacher but still). 😉May 21, 2014 – 7:56 pmReplyCancel

  • Kerri - It’s weird when life throws you a curve ball. I had a similar experience. My older child that typical, “easy” first born that tricks you into having a second. Then Boo came along and we were recruited into this special life. For me, I don’t qualify. I always say I have two daughters. I let others figure out that they are both special in their own way.

    Oh and I bet you wanted to smack the person who said how lucky your child was to pick you for a mom since you were in the know. Congrats on restraining yourself 🙂May 21, 2014 – 12:29 pmReplyCancel

    • Amanda Morin - I kind of did want to smack her! I’ve learned to pick my battles wisely over the years, but it still stings. But I have an awesome T-shirt that says, “Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.” 😉May 21, 2014 – 1:57 pmReplyCancel

  • Kerri - Oh and I want to be entered…should have read/followed the rules 🙂May 21, 2014 – 12:30 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - HAHA rule breaker. You’re entered. Here’s to all kids being special in their ways!!May 21, 2014 – 7:58 pmReplyCancel

  • Stacie Sparkman - We were so blessed to have Amanda work with our kiddo when he was just a toddler. She helped us when we didn’t know how to help ourselves. She has continued to be a support, confidant, and wonderful friend. That kiddo just turned 13 and has grown into a quirky, fun, unbelievable young man with a heart bigger than his father’s Texas. I’m glad that I get to share her with all of you as she is amazing!May 21, 2014 – 3:00 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I’m so glad that Amanda shared her story here, Stacie, and what an excellent testimonial from you. I’m so glad she helped your son so much and he sounds wonderful!May 22, 2014 – 7:27 pmReplyCancel

  • Uplifting Families - I am a strong believer that every child is different including their needs. I have two special needs children and I am thankful for them. My oldest was born hearing impaired and wears cochlear implants. My older son developed eczema, mild asthma, and ADHD. They all keep me on my toes but I am thankful that most of their needs are mild compared to other kids.May 21, 2014 – 6:12 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I am too! You’re so right that each child’s needs are different and that all are special, in a lot of ways. I think one of the messages that parents of typical kids haven’t heard enough is the one that we’re all so much more alike than we are different.May 22, 2014 – 7:26 pmReplyCancel

  • Dana - Neither of my children have special needs (as defined by society), but I find that I can always relate to each Our Land post as a mother and a person who wants our society to be better. Thank you for sharing your story, Amanda!May 21, 2014 – 8:22 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Dana, YOU are already making the whole world better, by raising your kids to care about the challenges of everybody. True words, that. Ghetto speak with a hand signal for emphasis. That I’m not really cool ’nuff to pull off but well, yeah, that.May 21, 2014 – 10:37 pmReplyCancel

    • Amanda Morin - One of things I always hope to impart is that mothers are just mothers no matter what our kids are like and that’s a really important common bond! I never want other moms to think I’m operating on a different level than them just because we deal with a whole lot of the unexpected in our house. 🙂May 22, 2014 – 12:09 pmReplyCancel

  • zoe - Being a PT with a special needs child I got the same response re luck….like you I feel really lucky to have him.May 21, 2014 – 9:22 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - UGH to the dicks. Just, ugh.May 21, 2014 – 10:37 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - YAYAYAYYAYYYY to WP comments, by the way.May 21, 2014 – 10:38 pmReplyCancel

    • Amanda Morin - It’s such a dumb response, but I think it’s well-intentioned most of the time. But nobody ever says to a plumber, “He’s so lucky to have you as a parent in case he ever backs things up by throwing all LEGO blocks in the toilet.” 😉May 22, 2014 – 12:12 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - I completely agree with you that ALL children have special needs. I have three daughters and none of them have been diagnosed with any “official” special needs. However, they are each unique and individual. My oldest is super smart and we have to work to keep her challenged. Otherwise, she is bored and unmotivated. My middle one is a ball of energy. She doesn’t sit still and we have to keep her energy level in mind we we ask her to sit for an extended time. My youngest is my super girly one. No dirt, no bugs, no sweat. And, she has seasonal allergies that keep her indoors in the spring. They don’t have diagnoses, but they certainly have special, unique needs.May 21, 2014 – 9:37 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Here’s to recognizing all children’s needs, Lisa. Because that’s big, important, and, ultimately, the whole point of Our Land – that everybody deserves empathy and understanding.May 21, 2014 – 11:13 pmReplyCancel

    • Amanda Morin - Sometimes the diagnosis is overrated. Kids are who they are no matter what diagnosis they have. It’s a very helpful way to get the services and support your child needs, but I never look at my son and say “This is Jacob who has high-functioning autism.” Usually, it’s more like “This is Jacob who is making silly puns, is stepping on my foot, won’t move out of his sister’s way and drew an amazing comic book.” Even when he’s having a rough day, it’s more like “Ugh, this is my son who is stuck on something again and is having a tough time calming down.”May 22, 2014 – 12:23 pmReplyCancel

      • Kristi Campbell - Amanda, I have to say that I love your perspective (again) and so wish that every parent realized that we just see our kids and think “this is my boy. He is amazing, and stepping on my foot” rather than thinking “this is my boy. He has autism.” So well said.May 22, 2014 – 7:38 pmReplyCancel

  • Tamara - Well you’re a beautiful and thoughtful writer!
    One of my good friends has six kids – four with special needs. She used to keep a blog but stopped. It’s mostly her Facebook status updates that really clue me into the amazing world she is building for her family.
    I know the struggles are so very there.May 22, 2014 – 9:31 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Six kids? YIKES> and awesome? I barely have time for my blog with one little boy so I’d imaging that keeping one up with six kids is beyond impossible.May 22, 2014 – 7:52 pmReplyCancel

    • Amanda Morin - Thank you for the compliment! Your friend has a whole lot on her plate–I don’t think I’d be able to keep a blog going if I had 6 kids, regardless of their needs. Wow. I really like that you view it as building a world for her family. It’s a great phrase.May 23, 2014 – 11:05 amReplyCancel

  • Linda Atwell - Out One Ear - I do think every child has some sort of special need. Please enter me in your contest. Loved the piece.May 22, 2014 – 4:38 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Entered, Linda, and yes, I, too, believe every child has needs that are special and unique to him/her. As do we, who are grown!May 22, 2014 – 7:53 pmReplyCancel

  • Michelle @ A Dish of Daily Life - Beautiful! Every kid does have their own needs. We deal with what we have. My kids don’t have special needs, but it doesn’t mean we never have issues. I can’t even imagine what would possess someone to say something like that to you. Sometimes people just don’t think before they speak.May 23, 2014 – 6:00 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - So true, Michelle. Each kid really does have his own needs and that should be recognized as well!May 26, 2014 – 5:35 pmReplyCancel

    • Amanda Morin - It’s so true that families of kids who have special needs don’t have issues! I find that I have to try really hard sometimes to keep in mind what’s age and developmentally appropriate for my kids so I don’t ascribe everything to their “recognizable” issues. 🙂May 27, 2014 – 11:40 amReplyCancel

  • Marcia @ Menopausal Mother - Amanda did a great job with this—so eloquently written and so helpful for parents out there struggling with similar issues. Another helpful post for me to share again with my daughter who is interning in special ed.May 23, 2014 – 10:53 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I agree that Amanda did an excellent job with this, Marcia (when will YOU write an our land for me anyway??). Thanks for sharing it with your daughter!May 26, 2014 – 5:36 pmReplyCancel

    • Amanda Morin - Thank you! If your daughter ever wants to talk about special ed, feel free to send her my way. (My husband would probably be thrilled to have me talk shop with someone else for a little while.)May 27, 2014 – 11:41 amReplyCancel

  • Brittnei - Wow. This is a very informative post. It reminds me though that man isn’t ok with things unless he can categorize and label everything. Sometimes like in this case, a label for you isn’t necessary. You have beautiful children. My only prayer is for you to be able to feel as blessed as the blessings that they truly are 🙂May 25, 2014 – 4:48 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I so agree that labels aren’t always necessary (or even good) at times, Brittnei. Here’s to all of us realizing what blessings all children are!May 26, 2014 – 5:36 pmReplyCancel

    • Amanda Morin - I can’t wait for the day when we stop calling things “labels” and start looking at them as “descriptors.”May 27, 2014 – 11:43 amReplyCancel

  • Kerith Stull - She brings up a lot of odd things people say or we have to figure out how to say. Another one… How do I refer to the man in our house? My husband? Brielle’s father? Why isn’t there a word that encompasses both? Labels, labels, labels. Sometimes they are so useful and other times, they are completely useless and unnecessary. And don’t we all have special needs indeed? Everything is on a bell curve. Some are just are farther on one end or another.May 26, 2014 – 2:40 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I love the idea of the bell curve Kerith. I never really thought about there not being a label that says “husband and father” but well, now I will be (thanks for that haha). I hope you’re having a great weekend!May 26, 2014 – 5:38 pmReplyCancel

    • Amanda Morin - Very true, without all different types of people, there wouldn’t even be that Bell Curve. It’s what makes the world interesting. (Now I’m trying to figure out what word makes sense for a husband-father…)May 27, 2014 – 11:44 amReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ The Meaning of Me - Kristi and Amanda – thank you for this great post. I particularly loved this line, “I’m still not sure you should have more children than you have parents or hands for…” My Husband has always said that our family plan was to never let the children outnumber us or our hands if we were home alone with them. As it turns out, we have one child…one very large handful of an exceptional child…and this equation works just fine for us!
    Your section on the game always changing and the score not making sense – yup, we get that. Thanks for your words and insights here. I look forward to checking out more on your blog, too!May 31, 2014 – 1:48 pmReplyCancel

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