Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

Climbing Back on The Parenting Book Wagon with a Review of Dr. G’s “Get the Behavior You Want…Without Being the Parent You Hate”

When Listen to Your Mother DC Show producer Stephanie Dulli shared my What it Feels Like to be a Special Needs Mom video on Facebook, she said that the quote that most resonated with her was when I said “You realize that not only do you have the wrong parenting books, but that you’re in the wrong library.”

When Tucker was younger, I religiously consulted about 20 parenting books. Most were on sleep habits, but I’d also earmarked pages for when to expect a first smile, when he should begin to roll over, and what would happen when he began to eat solid foods. I looked to the experts to reassure me that yes, it was normal that he woke up at midnight and 4:00 am every single night, that the fevers we think are high as adults are actually not as terrifying as we think they are when they occur in young children, and that we are not alone.

That crying and sleeping too much or too little and yellow drizzly poop are not cause for concern. I loved those books. I needed them.

Baby poop will surprise you for months and months

I needed them for a while, anyway.

Once we realized that Tucker was developmentally delayed, I gave away my parenting books.

All of them.

I unsubscribed from emails that pinged my inbox with chipper-looking subject lines like “He’s 18 months old, and saying these words now!” Not only were the constant unmet milestones painful to read about, but we really had no need for the books and emails any longer.

We realized that Tucker is Tucker, and will meet what he meets, on his terms. So rather than learning about parenting techniques sold at the local chain bookstore, it became my mission to learn about Applied Behavior Analysis Therapy (ABA), speech therapy, and the difference between Preschool Autism Class and Non-Categorized Preschool programs for special needs children.

Today, though, my beautiful little boy is into his second week of kindergarten, and he’s thriving (thank you to all who reached out privately to reassure me and ask how he was doing – I so very much appreciate all of your kind words and encouragement). Like, he’s really doing well. He’s talking and looking and playing and he is Happy when he gets off the bus every day. His speech therapist and aide and teachers seem wonderful and supportive and very open to learning about his individual needs. One even shares his love of the color orange.

So when the fabulous Alison Lee asked me to do a book review of Dr. G’s “Get the Behavior You Want…Without Being the Parent You Hate” book – I said yes! And you know what? It feels kinda good, this getting back on the parenting book wagon. It is one more reminder that while Tucker may be meeting milestones at a different rate from many of his peers, he’s also just a little kid who likes fart jokes, too much screen time, and would prefer candy for breakfast to all else. Dr. G addresses those issues by the way, and more.

I didn’t agree completely with every point made, like teaching children to call people “Sir” and “M’am,” because I personally very much dislike it when people call me “M’am,” and we’re working on getting “her” vs. “him” worked out right now. I agreed with much of her book, though. I really liked her ideas about how to get children to help with the process of donating unused toys. I love that she included a section on Seeking Out Diversity – because YES! Diversity! Empathy and Wonder for everybody!!

I think one of the best things about this book is that while much of it feels like it’s common sense, it’s the kind of common sense that we need to more mindfully consider. There are days when parenting is just getting by. We’ve all been there.

My hope is that with some of the important points shared in this book, that on those days, somewhere, in the back of my mind, I’m remembering to be the type of mom that I like while also effectively parenting Tucker.

5 things I got from Dr. G

Following are five things that most resonated with me from Deborah Gilboa’s “Get the Behavior You Want…Without Being the Parent You Hate” book:

1. Stop trying to make your kids happy. But don’t we all want the happiest kid on the block? Yes, of course we do. However, what lessons are we teaching our children when we focus on trying to make them happy? Dr. G has some important tips and insight here. I especially needed this reminder as much too often, I give into Tucker asking for a new toy because make him so happy. This chapter was worth the read alone.

2. What you do is more important than how you feel. I know. I was all “what, what?” too. But the way that Dr. G explains it, it totally makes sense.

3. Practicing practicing. I especially liked this section. It reminded me of my dad’s answer to my question about why I had to learn chemistry, knowing I’d never be drawn to being a chemist, doctor, or any of the sciences, ever. His answer was that I was learning how to learn. That’s stuck with me, all these years.

4. “Catch them doing good.” I love that quote. It’s so important (and also a very large part of ABA therapy) to celebrate our kids’ great behavior.

5. Bullying. How to recognize when your child may be bullying another, or is being bullied himself. I’m always hungry for information on recognizing whether a child is being bullied. It’s one of my greatest fears – that my son will be bullied or made fun of due to his speech and language being often unintelligible. I appreciated these easy-to-read lists.

Overall, like I said, much of this book felt like common sense. But it also felt like the kind of common sense that we need to read, and share, in order to truly live it.

Have you read this book? If so, what did you think?


  • Lisa @ The Meaning of Me - Haven’t read that one, but just one the title I like it! Your five points are good ones and if they are a good representation of the book, it may be worth looking at.
    I know what you mean about being in the wrong library – what a great way to put it. Zilla isn’t delayed, but has her own set of exceptional. We knew very early that she was ADHD with a few co-morbidities alongside. My parenting books read like who’s who in the ADD world. Some of what makes Zilla “her” makes her very different from other kids and knowing early on and getting info we needed and wanted was awesome.
    I love your dad – what a smart guy! Learning to learn is exactly it! I often have had to answer students questions about why they are learning something and I usually tell them because you have to learn to think.
    Hope Kindergarten is going well! Guess the big question is does Tucker like it??September 9, 2014 – 2:38 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Lisa,
      Yeah, my dad is pretty awesomely smart. I think he gave me that nugget when I was in high school and I still think about it weekly. I love the “have to learn to think” too – perfect answer!
      Tucker – so far – seems to like kindergarten. He happily gets on the bus each morning and is always happy when he gets off. We had back to school night last night and his teachers and aides said he’s doing amazing!!September 10, 2014 – 11:14 amReplyCancel

      • Lisa @ The Meaning of Me - Happy to go and happy when they come home is HUGE, Kristi!
        Do you do what I do when teachers say he’s doing amazing…breathe a huge sigh of relief? I’m always so worried about how well Zilla is doing, learning, getting along, handling herself, etc. etc. etc. I know logically that the worry accomplishes exactly nothing, but still…I worry.September 11, 2014 – 9:13 amReplyCancel

  • Elizabeth - “Catch them doing good” is one of my favorites because for us it is a way to reinforce the tools and lessons learned that he really struggles with. When I see him using them, I really try to notice and praise him!September 9, 2014 – 3:39 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Elizabeth – I LOVE “Catch them doing good!” Such a core to ABA and was so lovely to be reminded that it’s true for all kids.September 10, 2014 – 11:21 amReplyCancel

  • Tamara - I am SO happy to hear about kindergarten and the thriving. Scarlet is on day three and she says every day is better than the last.
    I’m still not adjusted.. but I’m learning.
    I have this book to review, in fact! I can’t wait! Love the happiness tip.September 9, 2014 – 6:23 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - YAY for Scarlet and YAY for you because you’re learning and hanging in and it will get better! I love the happiness tip, too.September 10, 2014 – 11:22 amReplyCancel

  • Alison - You’re absolutely right in saying that the book is common sense, but the kind we DO need to be mindful of. Thank you for saying yes to reviewing the book, and I’m glad you got something out of it.

    So glad Tucker is doing well in kindergarten!September 9, 2014 – 6:47 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks for asking me to review it, Alison. I did get some great nuggets and reminders from it – I love the reminder that we are not responsible for our kids’ happiness and to celebrate them so much when we catch them doing good. And yay for Tucker!September 10, 2014 – 11:27 amReplyCancel

  • Susan Maccarelli - I am reading it now! I like it so far – especially how it addresses kids of all ages since mine are little. She is very common sense, and I like being reminded since common sense often slips my mind when I am in it up to my eyeballs.September 9, 2014 – 8:41 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - So true that common sense slips our minds when we’re up to our eyeballs, Susan! Are you doing a review? If so, I look forward to reading it!!September 10, 2014 – 11:27 amReplyCancel

  • Allie - Great review Kristi! I too have put away my parenting books – because they came from the same library:). Funny thing is, the tricks I learned in my new library also help with my other kids.September 9, 2014 – 9:19 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - HAHA Allie – and good point that the ABA books help with all kids!September 10, 2014 – 11:30 amReplyCancel

  • Pattie - Kristi,

    My daughter is 29 – years – so I am not in the market for a parenting book but I will add that her elementary school embraced “Caught Being Good” and any teacher or aid could give a slip to any kid. It worked really well because it kept all the kids on their toes! At the end of the day the kids that had been’caught’ were called to the office to pick a prize (cool pencils, erasers, etc) the principal kept in his office.

    I am so happy that Tucker is happy at school. I really am.September 10, 2014 – 1:17 pmReplyCancel

  • Kerri - WOO HOO Tucker!!! And I totally get the catharsis of throwing away those perfect baby books and calling the e-mails spam. Great review my friend!September 10, 2014 – 1:57 pmReplyCancel

  • Dana - I haven’t read a parenting book since my kids were potty trained. I’m not saying I don’t need to, but just that I haven’t. Of the tips you mentioned, the first one resonated with me. I need to remind myself of that more often. Particularly with two teenagers for whom sullenness is the default mood, I have to remember that it’s not my job to make them happy.September 10, 2014 – 3:24 pmReplyCancel

  • Emily - First, I’m sooo happy that Tucker is doing so well in kindergarten already…that’s such GREAT news! I haven’t read the book (but I love the title). I SO love the first point of stop trying to make your kid happy. I struggle with this A LOT and it’s so hard to let them find their own happiness, but it’s true that we have to let that happen. I think I’ll buy the book just to read that chapter!September 10, 2014 – 9:32 pmReplyCancel

  • Brittnei - I’ve never heard of this book, but I like the idea of it. It does sound like common sense things that we could totally use reminders to think about on a daily basis. I just had to let you know that you are not alone on the milestone things! My son hasn’t been diagnosed as special needs and I noticed that the spectrum is soooooo much bigger than what is considered to be normal that I, too, was starting to make myself crazy. After talking to other moms who are homeschooling and have had multiple children, I learned that all of our kids learn and grow at different levels so we just have to work with them and love them on that level and not try to compare them to others. It doesn’t benefit them in the long run and let’s just face it, it makes us all lunatics! 🙂September 14, 2014 – 4:09 amReplyCancel

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