Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

My Father’s Best Advice Was To Not Care What Other People Think

Every once in a while, when I’m writing, working, parenting, or life living, I wonder whether I’d act or do the same were I being filmed. Sometimes, this works out well for me. I’ll engage more completely in the moment, I’ll act with more patience and kindness, and I’ll remember to stand up straight and suck in my stomach.

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Most of the time though, I realize how toxic other people’s judgement is to living a life true to myself.

Years ago, before deciding to move from Denver to DC, I spent countless nights staring at my ceiling, thinking about whether I should move or not, calculating how many hours of sleep I’d get were I to fall asleep “now,” and then “now,” and then “in the next hour.” Staring at the ceiling in my darkened bedroom, I worried about what my boss would think if I were to say no to the move, and I worried about what my friends and family would think about me saying yes.

In younger and dumber years, I took dares from the older, cooler kids because I wanted them to like me. I jumped off of a six-foot wall and ended up sleeping on a board on the floor for months while dealing with physical therapy because I wanted to prove that I was likable.

A couple of years later, I was mean to a girl at summer camp because my friend crush was mean to her. I still think about that little girl. Not my friend crush, but the one that I was mean to. We found out from a camp counselor that she had a hole in her heart. While I felt badly about it then, I feel utterly horrible about it now. I think about her often, and what I did still brings me shame and heartache. I wish I could apologize. It’s been 35 years and I can’t remember her name but I so wish that I could tell her how sorry I am. So so sorry to have not embraced her the way that she should have been embraced.

So sorry to have not embraced her in the way that I want others to embrace my son. To embrace me.

Sometimes, growing up, I valued other kids’ opinions of me more than I valued my own.

That still makes me sad. I mean it’s one thing to be a skanky 80’s girl on your own terms – which I often was – but another to be one for peer acceptance.

Today, I am in my 40’s. I don’t have friends who play Quarters or dare me to jump off of a too-tall wall. The friends that I do have now are mostly mom-friends or ones who understand that I am. And being mom friends is amazing and life saving but also it means not chatting until 3am unless you’re at a blog conference together or something. God, I miss chatting until the wee hours of the night.

Today, my biggest dream is to change how the world feels about autism and special needs. And to do that, I have to mostly not care what most people think. I can’t worry about what my son’s school thinks of me when I tell them that, while I understand why they let Tucker scoot another kid over to have “his” spot on the carpet, that doing so is not doing him a favor. Even though I know that it’s the least disruptive of decisions.

I can’t worry about what the moms at the bus stop think when my five-year-old doesn’t wander the neighborhood alone, or about what they think when he says something that they can’t understand.

I can’t worry about what you think when I drone on and on about how important it is to create a world that embraces empathy and wonder for EVERYBODY.

I can’t worry about whether you think I’m too old to be the mother of a five-year-old.

I can’t worry about whether you agree with my parenting style, or whether you think it’s shameful that my little boy just this week graduated from diapers to pull-ups for slumber. That he’s not really talking much at school. That I worry about him in ways that I know in my heart that you’d tell me not to.

I can’t worry about what you think.

And, you shouldn’t care about what I think, either.

I know it’s hard to not care what people think. It’s still hard for me, too.

Years ago, my dad said something to me. I can no longer remember the conversation we were having, but he interrupted me to say “Fuck what other people think.” (and yes, he used the “f” word)

Back then, my dad told me that in order to live a life true to myself and my dreams, that I had to take whatever notions I had of what other people think, and throw them in the trash. First, I may not even be correct in my assumptions of what goes on in other people’s minds and second, and bigger (biggest) is that it doesn’t matter.

My dad telling me to not give a flying fuck about what other people think is the best advice he’s ever given me.

what others think does not matter

Of course, he’s given me other advice as well. Some of it, I’ve listened to and put into practice. Other pieces? Not so much. Years ago, he gave me an article on procrastination that I never got around to reading, and, considering that it wasn’t until tonight that I tried to find five hula hoops in November for a Luau party at my son’s school tomorrow morning, I may not yet have mastered this particular skill.

Not procrastinating is still really great advice though. I mean, it probably feels really really great to have due dates met before they’re well, due, ya know? While it didn’t work out for me, I recommend trying.

But really, I think the whole “Don’t give a crap about what other people think of you” is waaaay more valuable than not procrastinating. It’s been working for me, anyway. Mostly.

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This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post, where writers and bloggers link up with a relevant post. Today’s sentence is “The best advice my father ever gave me was…”  Next week’s sentence is “I thought I was going to die when…”  To stay on top of each sentence and interact with some of the coolest people on the interwebs, join our FB Group.

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Ruchira (Abracadabra)


  • Janine Huldie - I absolutely love your dad’s advice and couldn’t agree more with it. I also remember a time when this wasn’t true in my younger days, but now I can honestly say I very much don’t care and pretty much do what I feel is right and needs to be done for my family and myself, too.November 13, 2014 – 10:07 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks, Janine!! I remember when I didn’t listen to anything much less that what people think about me mattering so thank you and I’m glad that you do what is right for you now (not easy)!November 15, 2014 – 1:12 amReplyCancel

  • Dana - Excellent advice, and advice I would love to follow 100% of the time. I don’t, but I’m working on it. It’s become easier as I get older, I think. Some days. Some days I need your father to whack me on the forehead and say “Fuck what other people think.”November 13, 2014 – 10:09 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Some days, I need him to come here and whack me on the forehead too, Dana. Like on a lot of the days. We’re getting there…November 15, 2014 – 1:19 amReplyCancel

  • Brittnei - It’s the best advice yet it seems to be the hardest advice to follow in our world. I feel like I’m much better at it at this age than I ever was and it seems to get better as the years go by. If I did care as much as I used to, I don’t think I would have shared as much as I have on my blog about me and my family and I probably would still be in contact with my extended family. Sometimes, deep down inside, I still care what “they” think, meaning a lot of people, but I fight the urge to care and simply do what I know is true to me anyway. We talked about this before. We can never know what makes people truly make the decisions they make so really we can never have an opinion about it.November 13, 2014 – 10:52 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Brittnei, it is SO hard to follow and I know we’ve had a lot of conversations about it – probably, they were what helped me to remember this advice so thank you for that! And yeah, it’s hard to forget or to ignore what “they” think… but really, we just can’t know what other people’s motivations are and can only live life for ourselves, as free as possible… with respect and all of that too. it’s hard…November 15, 2014 – 1:21 amReplyCancel

  • Kelly L McKenzie - Oh how I wish I could listen to this choice piece of advice ALL OF THE TIME. I’ve heard it before of course. But do I listen to it? Sometimes. Not always. So, after your dad whacks Dana on the forehead please send him over to my house. Many, many thanks.November 13, 2014 – 10:52 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Kelly –
      He also needs to come here to whack me because this is so not easy!!! Like here I am after 1 am replying because I don’t want you and others to think I don’t appreciate you so much!!! Which means it’s time to go to bed right?November 15, 2014 – 1:23 amReplyCancel

  • karen - Excellent advice from your dad and so true. Once we really learn to not care not what others think we can live for ourselves and our family.November 14, 2014 – 2:10 amReplyCancel

  • Mike - It’s ironic in a way…just MY opinion…that for all intents and purposes (or intensive purposes lol) we shouldn’t care what other people think. Yet, sometimes if we are being a jerk (and we really truly are) other people pointing that out can be a good thing. That’s just one of many examples – but ones that I think we should care what others think. On the other side of the coin in the many, wonderful, spot on examples you gave…I agree with you 100%, Kristi! And your Dad gave you great life advice. This was a really good make-you-think post. Also ironic with you mentioning procrastination as literally pulling into the garage after work tonight I thought of that EXACT word. I came in and saw your new post waiting…and lookee what part of it is regarding. Many hugs to you always, my friend! 🙂November 14, 2014 – 2:54 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Mike,
      I didn’t think about that aspect of it – that we do need people to point out when we’re being a jerk sometimes. That’s a good reminder that sometimes it does matter what people think – so thank you! I guess I was thinking more about hard decisions, like moving for a job and stuff.
      Yeah…the procrastination bug is a hard one to get rid of. Mostly, I’ve accepted it and use waiting to the last minute as motivation. Sometimes, that even works for me 😉November 15, 2014 – 12:20 pmReplyCancel

  • Michelle AKA Crumpets and Bollocks - Wow…

    A. I totally love the camera concept. I think a lot of people would behave differently not just because they are concerned with how other people think, but also because it would act as a “truth” device to let the world know how they really are sometimes (when at their worst). Like had that camera been there, you probably would have been nicer to that one girl. I think that because sometimes I feel like I’m the camera. Being a writer, everything I see and experience has a chance to make its way to the internet, and some people don’t like it when I write about them honestly. I always tell them, “Maybe you should just behave the way you’d want me to write about you.”

    B. I go through phases. Around people, when I’m there, in the moment, I don’t give a fuck about what they think. But when I walk away from it, alone, I start to care a little. I spent years trying to find a healthy balance between doing my thing with no concern to other people’s half-assed opinions (and they are half-assed, nobody researches my life enough to be more qualified than I on the subject), and the other side of the equation, caring about what they think, building the PR image my father wanted me to have for his professional sake. The same PR image that gave him the network he needed to get some free services from an attorney friend, or have a cop drive pass the house every hour while he was out of town and I was trying to throw a party…

    But then I read gold when I was googling something completely unrelated, but since there was obviously no search results for it, I got all these results for sales and marketing, and the psychology behind, “Controlling people,” and in it, it said, “People don’t know what to think until you tell them what to think.” Now that, I like. I haven’t really explored the concept to the fullest yet, but it’s a concept I’m starting to think about more.November 14, 2014 – 9:03 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Michelle – what an awesome awesome comment. Thank you. I love your line of telling people to behave in the way that they’d want you to write about them – it’s true that the camera would be a truth device. I also know what you mean about walking away from a conversation and then wondering what people think – it’s hard to not worry about how we come across, especially when it’s something we really believe in. I ask myself all the time what to disclose and what to not disclose, what’s being genuine and what’s TMI for the other person. I also wonder if what I said was interpreted in the way in which I intended it to be. So often, people interpret things with their own filters that our points may get lost. Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be but still I think about it.
      It’s true, too that people don’t know what to think until they’re told what to think. I find that sad and also empowering I guess. It’s weird though and something definitely worth spending more time considering.November 15, 2014 – 1:17 pmReplyCancel

  • Chris Carter - When I was in 8th grade, my friends and I got together on the weekend that one of our peeps couldn’t make it. There was five of us that clung together and ruled the school. (yeah- I know- shame) When we hung out that day, we decided to make our foursome a club!! We declared us the “Faggy Four” and wrote up a contract and actually went and got t shirts that had our new ‘nicknames’ on them and wore them to school on Monday… (I was Shmoe- if you were wondering)

    From that weekend on, we completely ignored this fifth friend. She was OUT.

    She also was the only kid in town who had parents who recently divorced… and the family was broken and wounded.

    To this day- I am both ashamed and appalled at myself. I too, want so badly to find her and beg her forgiveness for doing something so devastating to her at such a traumatic time in her life.

    It still sickens me to this day.

    Peer pressure. Insecurity. Needing to be loved and accepted.

    Why does it take years to finally ‘get it’?

    At least we do now.November 14, 2014 – 11:08 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Chris! Thank you for sharing your 8th grade story. What a painful memory. I don’t know why it takes years to “get it” and I just wish I’d gotten it when I was a tween because while I understand that all of us just want to be loved and accepted, why does that have to come through rejecting others? So awful. But yeah, at least we do get it now. At least we remember the shame and the pain of hurting another and can hopefully guide our children to both be included and also to include everybody. xxooNovember 15, 2014 – 1:20 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - I’m sure my dad would have never used the f-word, but he gave this same advice. My husband gives it to me, too. Why is it easier for men??? I struggle with this so much. It’s part of the reason I have body image issues – I feel like people are judging me, even though they probably aren’t. It’s a constant struggle, butI’m getting a little better about it.November 14, 2014 – 12:02 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I don’t know why it’s easier for men, Lisa! Maybe because they’re more shallow and self-centered? Maybe because they’re raised with more confidence? I wish I had the answer. Also, I met you in person and promise that you’re beautiful – inside and out. The body image thing. Sigh. Why do we feel powerful when we’re thin and just judged and weak when we’re not? Why do we think it matters – that annoying size on our pants? I’m working on that too…November 15, 2014 – 1:22 pmReplyCancel

  • Scott - Your father was right. I generally don’t care about the opinions of others…unless that person is important to me. I value your opinion, for instance, because I respect you and think you’re a wonderful human being. If, however, some idiot I didn’t know told me I suck I wouldn’t care.November 14, 2014 – 2:24 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Aw Scott! First, only a douche would tell you that you suck so there’s that. And I value your opinion too! Thanks!November 15, 2014 – 1:27 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - My dad’s advice was totally opposite but also a totally different scenario. He always told me to care what people thought in terms of being the best professional where I worked. (We used to work in the same building) which probably mostly meant don’t make him look bad. LOL

    Aside from that though I give Christopher the same advice (without the F of course). It’s so hard to adhere to in school but since I don’t want him to ever jump off a roof I tell him all the time not to worry about what people think of him. At this age he’s the good guy and in the eyes of classmates, that’s not always a good thing either.

    Anyway now that my dad is retired I can assure you he doesn’t give a rat’s booty what people think of him now. LOL!November 14, 2014 – 2:56 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - HAHA to it meaning don’t make him look bad, Kenya! That’s funny. I do care what people think of course, but really try not to when it comes to big decisions. I used to obsess over making big decisions and I found that I was thinking too much about what other people thought I should do rather than just thinking it through myself if that makes sense.
      Aw, to Christopher being the good guy… hard when we’re not sure whether certain personality traits in our kids are good things or not.
      HAHA to rat’s booty!!November 15, 2014 – 1:35 pmReplyCancel

  • Tamara - That’s hilarious, right? That you procrastinating reading an article about procrastination?
    My dad gave me the same advice. He’s had to live by it because he was born with a birthmark over half his face. I don’t see it. Other people do.November 14, 2014 – 4:03 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Yeah, the fact that I procrastinated reading an article on procrastination that my dad gave me because he thought I have a problem with procrastination? 🙂 Funny for sure. I love that your dad gave you the same advice.November 15, 2014 – 1:37 pmReplyCancel

  • Angel the Alien - I’ve gotten that advice from people too! A similar thing I tell myself is that no matter what you do, you won’t make EVERYONE happy. I also recently found a college paper I wrote a long time ago for some philosophy class, and the basic message I wrote about is, everything you do, do out of love. If you are doing something to hurt someone else, or even just to please someone else because its easiest, stop and rethink it. If you are doing something out of love (for instance, probably EVERYTHING you do for your son) then you are on the right track.November 14, 2014 – 6:29 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - So true that no matter what we do, we won’t make everybody happy, Angel. Really we have to do what brings us fulfillment and joy. I love the idea of making everything we do done out of love!!November 15, 2014 – 4:51 pmReplyCancel

  • Emily - I love your father’s advice!! My father’s best advice was to take a public speaking class in college. I didn’t write about it, because well, that’s kind of mundane, but for a shy college student like myself, it was the best thing I could have done for myself…and one of my favorite classes at college! I still suck at (and dislike) speaking in front of crowds, but at least now I can do it if I have to!November 14, 2014 – 9:44 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I think taking a public speaking class in college is a great idea, Emily and not mundane at all (if you still want to link up, it’s open until mid-day tomorrow). I don’t like speaking in front of crowds either but what a relief that you know you can when you have to!November 15, 2014 – 4:53 pmReplyCancel

  • Sandy Ramsey - This makes me think of the old saying I try hard to live by every day. “What other people think of me is none of my business.” I do the best I can every day and I get nowhere near perfect. It doesn’t matter. I happen to think you’re terrific. Just the way you are. I prefer true people that say what they mean and mean what they say and you are most definitely one of those people. You just keep doing what you’re doing.November 15, 2014 – 11:17 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Sandy! I love love that expression! I will so remember that one! Thanks so much too for the encouraging and kind words. I think you’re pretty near perfect – saying what we mean and meaning what we say is pretty huge stuff <3November 15, 2014 – 4:54 pmReplyCancel

  • My Inner Chick - ***biggest dream is to change how the world feels about autism and special needs***

    You. Are. YOU ARE!

    You know what? If I worried about what other people thought of my all the time, I’d never press publish on my blogs or write, or live my life the fullest, or….

    xxxx kISS from MN.November 15, 2014 – 11:42 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Aw thanks, Kim!!! Here’s to not caring what other people think and living a life true to ourselves! xxoo back at you!November 15, 2014 – 5:03 pmReplyCancel

  • Kim - I wish I had cared less about what other people thought when I was younger. I’m like you know and don’t live my life trying to please others – so much easier and more freeing!!!November 15, 2014 – 5:21 pmReplyCancel

  • Catherine - Your father is obviously a very wise man 🙂 It’s so true though, whatever walk of life you’re from there’s no point in worrying what others think!November 16, 2014 – 10:09 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Agree!!! I mean unless somebody needs to tell us we’re being a jerk when we for real are? No need to worry about this.November 16, 2014 – 11:41 pmReplyCancel

  • Kate (Shakespeare's Mom) - I related to this so much. I too have come a long way since those childhood days of caring so much about what others think of me, but I still struggle with it sometimes. And as for procrastinating – me too!! Great post.November 16, 2014 – 2:17 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - YAY to a fellow procrastinator!!!! Also was so happy to see your name here…. I’ve been slacking on reading and loving and well all of the stuff but yay to seeing you!!! And ugh, yeah, we need to not care.November 16, 2014 – 11:42 pmReplyCancel

  • Kerry Benson - Love this advice! It definitely takes practice to stop worrying so much about others’ opinions, but it’s so worth it! 🙂November 16, 2014 – 6:42 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - WAIT. Um. wait, dude for real? You’re like “out” now???? I’m kinda shocked…. fill me in?November 16, 2014 – 11:40 pmReplyCancel

  • Kerri - That is awesome advice and one I should probably remember. I have my 25th reunion coming up and am already worried about not measuring up (again) to the cool kids!November 17, 2014 – 1:52 pmReplyCancel

  • Lana - Your dad is one wise man. One of my hubby’s best traits is that he never cares what anybody else thinks – this doesn’t always make him the best employee, which is part of the reason we own our own business 🙂 – but honestly, I admire him so much for it. I on the other hand am always worried about other people’s opinions, which is probably why I haven’t really flown on my blog. I LOVE that you are so true to yourself – I’m working on it!November 18, 2014 – 1:00 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Lana,
      My dad is truly wise! And it’s hard to not worry about what people think about us. I think the quote that somebody shared here of “What other people think of me is none of my business.” is an awesome one and such a good reminder for all of us!November 26, 2014 – 6:23 pmReplyCancel

  • Jhanis - I remember my mom telling me once and I do not know where she got this from but she said “tread slowly, feelings are everywhere.”
    I live by those words. Although I have to admit that I forget once in a while. A lot. 🙁November 20, 2014 – 4:15 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Oh I love “tread slowly, feelings are everywhere,” Jhanis! So much! Thanks for sharing and here’s to us both remembering!November 26, 2014 – 6:25 pmReplyCancel

  • Jana - It’s hard not to be influenced by what other people think — but your dad had it right. I try to remember not to take anything personally, because it’s not a problem with me — it’s the problem of the person who is doing the judging. I also try to be as honest and ethical as possible and to do my best (I don’t always succeed with doing my best — but I try every day). My goal in life is to have as much peace as I can in my life and to be as compassionate and loving as I can with others. Again, I’m not always successful — but I’m trying!November 26, 2014 – 12:47 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I agree Jana – it IS hard to not worry about what others think of us… but love that you strive to have peace in life and to be compassionate and loving. I don’t think anybody could ask for more. 🙂November 26, 2014 – 6:40 pmReplyCancel

  • Lillian Connelly - I struggle with this off and on. I want to not care about whatever people think, but still catch myself doing it sometimes. That story about the little girl you were mean to when you were a kid and wish you could apologize too? Ugh…I think we all have someone like that from our childhood. Someone we wish we could find and say sorry to. It always pulls at your heart a bit, doesn’t it?November 29, 2014 – 1:08 pmReplyCancel

  • Amanda Matheny - I completely agree. I’ve never been one to care much what others think. Sure I wasn’t very popular in school, but life never was a popularity contest to me. I do what I feel is best and to heck with other people. I mean, sometimes I value solicited opinions, because I enjoy hearing different point of view that may help me to figure something out, but in general I tune them out. Let them think what they want. Unless I ask, I don’t care. Even on my blog, I will ask people what their opinion is on a vast variety of issues, but I never ask what they think of me, and that goes for my physical life as well. I love to discuss opinions on different topics, but my own self image is more important than that of others.December 3, 2014 – 2:24 pmReplyCancel

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