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Finish the Sentence Friday: When I was younger, I tried…

Finish the Sentence Friday


When I was younger, I tried* to improve my sleep quality by beheading my Barbies every night.

The end.

Oh, wait, you want to know why?  Sorry.  I figured it was obvious.  Allow me to explain for the slower ones among you.  Barbies can walk around when you’re sleeping.  And they don’t really like you.  So in order to avoid being maliciously crawled on, beaten up and tied down while you sleep, you have to place each doll’s head far enough away from her body so that she can’t see her own torso.  That part is important because if she can see the rest of herself, she can command her legs to walk over and her arms to reattach her head.  If she can’t see herself, she’s stuck where she is until you reattach her pieces.  And then she can’t do anything about it because it’s daytime and you’re the boss.

Yeah, I know.  You see “deranged” and “therapy.” I see “kick-ass imagination.”

This is what would have happened:

Wondering about Barbies’ haircuts?  I was quite the stylist.  They all ended up bald, rather than with the sassy locks I’d intended for them.

*I use the word “tried” not only because it’s the rule of FTSF but because beheading Barbies addressed only half the problem.  The other half consisted of a nameless yet powerfully evil witch who lived under my bed.  Any movement I made, she was able to make.  The problem was that her movements weren’t restricted to being made in the same direction that mine were.  So, if I rolled left and then right, she could roll right, twice.  If I rolled so much so that she could eventually end up no longer under the bed, that’s when the trouble would start.  Luckily, I learned to fall asleep being very, very still.  And I’m still here to talk about it.  Phew.

This post was once again brought to you by “Finish the Sentence Friday” and our fabulous hosts Kate from Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine… and Janine of Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic.  This week’s sentence was obviously “When I was younger, I tried…”

Next week’s sentence to finish: “When it comes to reality TV shows, I…”

  • Emily - As always, I adore your illustrations/visuals! And yes, you had/have quite the imagination! I’m glad those Barbies stayed where they belonged even if that meant beheading them! Cute post!January 25, 2013 – 6:28 pmReplyCancel

    • admin - Thanks, Emily! I was going to do a serious post for this one but figured “nah.”January 25, 2013 – 6:38 pmReplyCancel

  • Dana - Hilarious post – I was afraid of the show dolls in my room; their eyes were always watching me. If only I had thought to behead them at night, I would have slept much better (except for the clown from Poltergeist that lived under my bed). Found you from FTSF – thanks for validating my childhood fears!January 25, 2013 – 6:52 pmReplyCancel

    • admin - Thanks, Dana! Just visited your FTSF story and it’s totally your fault that the Brady Bunch theme song is stuck in my head. Thanks for that.
      And it’s ok if you need to behead any doll-like creatures as an adult. 🙂January 25, 2013 – 7:22 pmReplyCancel

  • Janine Huldie - Seriously, I love your creativity and imagination. And am with Emily on your visuals..totally love them and they truly rock!! Thanks for linking up with us and can’t wait to see what you have in store for us next week 🙂January 25, 2013 – 7:35 pmReplyCancel

    • admin - Thanks so much for hosting FTSF, Janine! And thank you even more for the cool compliment. You guys rock.January 25, 2013 – 8:00 pmReplyCancel

  • Henriette - Hmmm… I was kind of hoping for an entire different story. But I guess what happens on…say…work trips…stays on work trips?! 😉
    Note to self; do not ask Kristi to cut my hair.January 25, 2013 – 8:11 pmReplyCancel

    • admin - OMG do I even want to know which story you were hoping for? Maybe I should tell it tomorrow! In fact…(did the story you’re thinking of happen in New Orleans?)
      And good note. I am not talented at cutting hair. I butcher my own bangs about once a year when I’m too lazy to go to the salon.January 25, 2013 – 8:13 pmReplyCancel

      • admin - Ooh! Or maybe the time I went to France and ate a defenseless bunny!! Dude I should’ve talked to you before writing this post. I couldn’t think of much I wanted to share.January 25, 2013 – 8:31 pmReplyCancel

        • Henriette - Since I’ve moved from Shanghai I have been butchering my own bangs on a regular basis. It’s ugly!!! Turns out my trusty hairdresser of four years didn’t make the move with me…Crap, I know!
          Ah Bunny!!! Good times! Tasted damn well that bunny of mine after hours soaking in white wine…… 😉January 25, 2013 – 9:29 pmReplyCancel

          • admin - It did taste awesome but it took me an hour of soaking in white wine to try it, too…no offense, I’m still a dumb American. I SO need to call you when I’m stuck because you made me think of 80 things I could have written about here!January 25, 2013 – 11:31 pm

  • Natalie the Singingfool - Um, I’m going to have Gulliver’s Travels nightmares of my Totally Hair Barbie tying me up at night…;)January 25, 2013 – 8:37 pmReplyCancel

    • admin - Crap, I’m not able to say that I’m familiar with Gulliver’s Travels but I must apologize if I gave you new nightmares. Totally Hair Barbie? EVIL.January 25, 2013 – 11:14 pmReplyCancel

  • Rich Rumple - Kristi – You know I had to come and read this! Beheading Barbies?!?!??! I was either born too early or you too late … a woman after my heart, to say the least! But, what about Ken? Did you …. oh, that’s right, he never had anything anyway! Whew! I used to only be afraid at night until I could get my head under the covers. Regardless of what I’d eaten earlier in the day, when that light went out my head was under the magic covers that kept the werewolves and monsters at bay! Great post!January 25, 2013 – 9:28 pmReplyCancel

    • admin - Ah Rich…Ken! Ken is a woman. Even I know that. Had I owned a GI Joe, he’d have fought the good fight, I’m sure…or, well, a fight, anyway.
      And HALE yeah to the magic covers! They are brilliant.January 25, 2013 – 11:15 pmReplyCancel

  • Stephanie @ Mommy, for real. - Oh my GOD, I am dying here! Well, I did NOT see that coming. I can truly say that I relate to it, as I was a somewhat creepy, neurotic, overly imaginative child with some peculiar anxieties and rituals. Um, not that I’m calling you creepy. Or neurotic.January 25, 2013 – 10:14 pmReplyCancel

    • admin - You totally are calling me creepy and neurotic and overly imaginative. And I’m fine with it. 🙂January 25, 2013 – 11:16 pmReplyCancel

  • Considerer - Wow! You had some seriously masochistic Barbies. I’m sure they got what they deserved! With regard to your witch, there was a monster under my bed which (if I got up in the night to go to the toilet) couldn’t attack me until the flush had finished being noisy – that was how long I had to wash hands and race back to bed before it started trailing it’s long arms out, looking to grab my ankles and drag me under there.January 25, 2013 – 10:29 pmReplyCancel

    • admin - I know, right? [email protected] barbies. I got the totally mean ones.
      And wow, I bet you were superhuman kiddo regarding the flush factor – jumping back in the bed before the flush finished took some massive timing skills. I’m sure they’ve served you well all these years!January 25, 2013 – 11:18 pmReplyCancel

      • Considerer - I never had a Barbie til I was 18 and my friend bought me one because ‘Every girl needs one’. My parents were dead set against them. I did once put posters up cos all my friends were doing it, then got terrified in the night because they were looking at me as I slept.

        Yeah, the timing was everything.January 26, 2013 – 11:45 amReplyCancel

        • admin - I guess we all found ways to terrify our poor little selves before bed, huh? Love that your friend bought you a Barbie when you were 18! That’s funny…(and what a cool friend!)January 26, 2013 – 2:08 pmReplyCancel

  • Mama Meerkat - Haha, I love the illustration. All my barbies ended up headless and naked, but I didn’t suspect them of plotting any conspiracies!January 25, 2013 – 11:10 pmReplyCancel

    • admin - Well…maybe you didn’t realize it on a conscious level. If they ended up naked and headless, you probably knew better, on some level. Let’s face it. They’re creepy.January 25, 2013 – 11:19 pmReplyCancel

  • Kate Hall - OMG! That is awesome! What an imagination! It reminds me of my OCD issues with the imaginary string running out of my back and how it got tangled all the time when I walked around polls…or people. This was awesome! And I love your picture, esp. with the witch peeking out from under the bed. Awesome!January 25, 2013 – 11:23 pmReplyCancel

    • admin - Kate! You get the prize for being the first person to see the witch peeking under the bed. And thank you for making me feel so much better, ’cause creepy Barbies is way less weird than a string hanging from your back. Er, ok, it’s not. I was channeling my 7th grade self trying to pretend I’m cool when I’m a total dork. And really? The string thing is sort of cool! Did it extend from your tailbone like an actual tail? or what???January 25, 2013 – 11:38 pmReplyCancel

  • Joy - Great post! I only had one Barbie so she did not have anyone to make conspiracies with! 🙂
    BTW, I prepared a post for FTSF about a tampon but did not dare to post it… :-/ I am a coward!January 26, 2013 – 8:35 amReplyCancel

    • admin - Joy! Ha, I’d like to read the tampon post! You can post it here if you don’t want your family to see it! It can be my first guest post. Smart of you to only have the one Barbie. They get meaner with the crowd mentality.January 26, 2013 – 10:43 amReplyCancel

  • Courtney - THAT. IS. HILARIOUS! I love it!!!!January 26, 2013 – 6:09 pmReplyCancel

    • admin - Aw, thanks, Courtney! Glad you got a smile from my twisted eight-year-old self!January 26, 2013 – 6:45 pmReplyCancel

  • Josie Bisett - HAHAHAHAHA! This was my FAVE this week. LOL, So funny – and the pics killed me! I commented on another bloggers post about putting all my teddy bears in bed with me to protect me. I couldn’t have any gaps in case someone got through and got me. When I was older the dog used to sleep in bed with me. IN bed, under the covers. i used to hold him tight so he couldn’t leave me on my own. I think the idea of headless barbies dragging themselves together would have haunted me. I’m wondering if you have any barbies in the house these days… Cheers for the laugh!January 26, 2013 – 10:04 pmReplyCancel

    • admin - OMG your FAVE? What a huge compliment from such an amazing writer. Thank you! And duh! Totally smart move letting your teddy bears protect you. Had I been that smart, I’d have saved myself hours of sleepless vigilance!
      And no. No barbies in the house. Now, and never…January 27, 2013 – 12:07 amReplyCancel

  • sara - OMG, I am 100% with you on putting their heads out of sight of their torsos: I used to do the same thing!
    I also used to tear off their arms and replace them w/ GI Joe arms which were stronger and therefore more practical. ‘Course GI Joe was 2x the size of Barbie so Barbies new arms went down to her knees, but I can tell you, she didn’t take any shit from anyone!

    Great post. Great drawing. I wonder if you styled my dolls’ hair b/c they looked just. like. that.
    You’re awesome.January 27, 2013 – 12:33 pmReplyCancel

    • admin - Sara! You did? You hid their heads from their bodies? AND had similar hairstyles? What happened to us that this made sense? And I can just imagine Barbie sporting her cool GI Joe ape arms not taking shit from anybody!
      Thanks for the comment. And it’s you who is awesome.January 27, 2013 – 5:59 pmReplyCancel

  • Terrye - LOL! I used to put post it notes over the eyeballs of all the ppl on the posters I hung in my room so they couldn’t see me naked when I changed. I guess we’re all a little nuts. 🙂January 27, 2013 – 4:42 pmReplyCancel

    • admin - Terrye, post-it notes over the eyeballs was brilliant! They totally would have been creepin’ on watching you makes. That’s funny 🙂January 27, 2013 – 5:59 pmReplyCancel

  • Seriously Kate - I find this hilarious!! It reminds me of the don’t put your leg off the side of the bed for fear something will eat it!! 🙂

    Kate @ http://seriouslykateblog.blogspot.comJanuary 27, 2013 – 5:51 pmReplyCancel

    • admin - Kate, it seems that with so many of us realizing that we couldn’t put our legs off the sides of our beds that we were actually on to something. Thanks for the comment!January 27, 2013 – 6:01 pmReplyCancel

  • Kimberly - Love the illustration…and didn’t realize those Barbies were so darn dangerous!January 28, 2013 – 1:46 amReplyCancel

    • admin - Thanks, Kimberly. And yes, they’re quite evil. Especially in larger numbers.January 28, 2013 – 7:53 amReplyCancel

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