Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

Food Love, Body Hate, and Powerful Parenting without Shame

I was 12 when my mom took me to a Merle Norman makeup lesson. Models were getting their photos taken.

That’s how I learned how to put on subtle (HAH! but it was the 80’s!) blue mascara, and also that I wasn’t as skinny as those girls.

“I want to lose five pounds,” I said when we’d gotten in the car.

“Good idea,” she said.

***

At one point in my life, I could gain five pounds by eating a single (large) plate of Mexican food.

I know because back then, I weighed myself several times a day. I ate a lot of air sandwiches, an occasional salad, and a bunch of fat-free cottage cheese and celery.

On date night though? I went all out. You’d think it’d be the opposite, but for me, being skinny and “being able to eat whatever” held power.

Plus?

There’s nothing like a plate of saucy, cheesy, gooey, dreamy Mexican food. Or Chinese. Or pizza.

Stuffed mushrooms (not like these)? Yummy!

Nachos, anybody? MMMM.

Food Love, Body Hate, and Powerful Parenting without Shame

photo by pixabay

I keep a pair of jeans (ok fine, two) that I can’t part with and am sure I’ll never wear again.

I miss feeling that power. Hungry, but thin.

***

About 12 years ago, I found an envelope of old photos of me and my mom.They were stunning black and whites on old super-thick photo paper.

She’s pregnant, so I must have been four.

I look at it and see my so-young self and wish I’d never let go of feeling hunger or the lack of it a young child feels.

I didn’t feel fat or thin back then. Just hungry or not-so-hungry. Or not in the mood to eat.

I’m almost always in the mood to eat today.

I framed and hung one of the photos on my bathroom wall. It reminds me I don’t need to weigh myself every day because when you’re this age, you don’t think about stuff like that. Except, you know, getting big is good.

Food Love, Body Hate, and Powerful Parenting without Shame

Sorry for the reflection, and yes, I’m sucking my thumb.

Old suits don’t fit, and I gave most away a couple of years ago. I kept one I’d bought as a special treat because it has my name embroidered on the inside of the jacket pocket. I’m sure I’ll never wear it again.

These days, I balance what I eat but am not thin. I had to get new bras and baggy shirts because there’s no sucking in backfat. I’m (mostly) okay with how I look now.

I’m not super-okay when I see photos or surprise reflections, but I’m almost 50 years old, and have learned that our bodies change without our permission.

***

When Tucker was born, he was 110% height, and 18% weight. I panicked about him not eating. He was so skinny he had a baby six-pack where others have little pudge-packets.

Later, he still didn’t eat much.

Today, he has a bit of a double chin, and could be described as “husky.”

It worries me, but I don’t want him to think about it. I want him to eat when he’s hungry and know when he’s not.

I talk about how “his body” probably needs protein after football practice rather than saying “hell no, you aren’t having carbs at this hour!”

We talk about getting fresh air, rather than exercise.

That’s as good as I know how to do to keep food love in, body hate out, and powerful parenting without shame the idea. Any suggestions? I’d love to hear them.

***

This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post, old-school style. This is a stream-of-consciousness post where you write for five minutes about the suggested prompt. This week’s is “Food.” Kenya G. Johnson of Sporadically Yours is our fabulous co-host each week. I’m sure she forgives me for adding photos and stuff because how can I not when it’s hanging on my bathroom wall (and also nachos)?

PS – If Dana asks, I’m going live early because Kenya did and I’m pretty sure she wants to go to bed. I asked her to wait to put in the code so I wouldn’t be last. Ok fine, so I’d be first or close to it.

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  • Dana - I didn’t ask! But I’m linking up after I write this comment, whether Kenya has yet or not.

    Okay, a few things. First, four-year-old you has the EXACT eyes as you now – I could identify who that little girl was just from that little bit of your face. Second, Merle Norman – I haven’t thought about that place in years! I’m jealous you got a makeup lesson there. Third, as for Tucker…puberty is a total crap shoot – he could drop all the “huskiness” once those hormones kick in. But even if he doesn’t, getting fresh air and eating healthy will serve him well forever. I worry sometimes about my son, who can eat anything he wants and he’s super slim. He’s not going to have that metabolism forever; he’s going to have to learn to eat a vegetable every so often.May 17, 2018 – 9:35 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - LOL to “I didn’t ask!” I seriously cracked up at that. I love that you could ID me from my four-year-old self. That’s somehow really sweet and reassuring, so thank you. Merle Norman. I know right? I forgot about it until I was writing last night. Writing sometimes is like that memory therapy or something. And yeah, I don’t know what’ll happen with Tucker but I’m committed to never shaming him and trying my best to remind him that his body is important for health but that it’s his other self that matters.May 18, 2018 – 9:25 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - I just read Dana’s comment and I too worry about Christopher being able to eat anything he wants too and I want him to enjoy himself but at the same time want him to have better habits so he doesn’t end up with HBP like me or high cholesterol like his dad. I don’t let him add salt and I say, “that’s enough” with butter if were are out somewhere with bread and butter but I don’t do much other than that. It’s hard. I think you can’t win because I was brought up super healthy and I think that deprived me and I became a junkie as soon as I could buy my own junk. Long story to say I have no advice on that. But anyway Merle Norman is a throwback! I got my ears pierced there (At least four times). I should have put I have a total of 7 holes in my ears for the things people don’t know about me – anyway I went off topic. I don’t ever think I’ll be satisfied with my weight as long as I have clothes in the house that I used to fit. I want to be back in them. I have so many bottoms it’s ridiculous. I carry my weight in below the waist. But it’s nice when I can wear them again. I’m doing good right now but back in January I had to buy two pair of fat jeans to wear over and over because I gave the other ones away just last year. This time I won’t get rid of them. I can’t tell you when is the last time I had a nacho 🙁 or real pizza and by real I mean one I didn’t make. :’-(May 17, 2018 – 10:00 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I hear you about Christopher and being glad he can eat what he wants but also worrying about later. I had a friend who grew up super healthy and she went crazy too when on her own. Like crazy then more crazy. Another story. You have 7 holes in your ears? Still? At one point, I had five (three on the left, two on the right) but two (the top two) have mostly closed up. I have my belly button pierced though even though I tried to let it close up forever ago. It’s been pierced for like 26 years and it’s all “nope, I’m permanent now.” UGh to the weight. I wish I gained from the waist down actually. My legs stay the same these days (wasn’t always the case and I blame age) so now it’s in my belly, boobs, and that. I hate it.May 18, 2018 – 9:29 pmReplyCancel

      • Kenya G. Johnson - Seven forever holes. I wear 4 earrings in one and 3 in the other. One of those things my dad said I’d regret and I do but I’ll never tell him. I had one at the top of my ear but I did let that one close. It always hurt.May 19, 2018 – 11:16 amReplyCancel

        • Kristi Campbell - I’m impressed by seven forever holes and also LOL to never telling your dad he was right 🙂 🙂 🙂May 19, 2018 – 8:39 pmReplyCancel

  • Linda Atwell - Unfortunately, I have no suggestions for body image. I think we all struggle with this. Skinny people even say they feel fat and I look at them and wonder what planet they are living on. Your posts always feel my head with great images….I so remember Merle Normans!!!

    BTW, the surprise reflections are so disappointing! I too don’t want my children to feel body image pressures, but I’m not sure how to stop this. I keep telling myself I am 60 and still putting myself out there. As long as my body keeps working, I’m going to be thankful for that.

    I hope your move is going well. (OR…are you already living in Colorado?)May 18, 2018 – 1:19 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I felt fat at my wedding and I was SO SKINNY but not as skinny as I had been, so I guess there’s that perspective. Gawd, to be that thin now. But hey. What do we do? and Merle Norman! Funny
      I know what you mean about the surprise refections. So hard. I don’t know how to stop it either. I try to just talk about non-emotional things like “well since you played today, I bet your muscles want protein! Why don’t you think about how much good chicken will do if I make it super-tasty?” Tucker’s pretty easy – he doesn’t sneak food but it’s hard to deny him it too… because again, I don’t know what to do. Here’s to being thankful for working bodies.
      And no, we’re not in Colorado yet. I meant to post on FB but we’re in the crazy rental property showing times (16 in the last three days when we need to hide the toaster and toothbrushes and get out of the house with beds made). We leave on June 20 or 21.May 18, 2018 – 9:40 pmReplyCancel

  • Pat B - What a sweet picture of you and your mom!

    I think back to those times when I could eat anything I wanted and not gain weight too. Those day are long gone for me.

    Those nachos look so good!May 18, 2018 – 3:18 amReplyCancel

  • Emily - Such a truism: our bodies change without our permission…there’s something about the 50 year-old mark (at least for me) where all of a sudden I was like, whoa, what is happening here? I did not approve a saggy face and a saggy body to match! But, I’m doing my best to embrace and accept it, but not gonna lie — it’s hard! As for Tucker, I can relate bc Big Dude was also 110% height and 18% weight when he was born. He mostly continued with that long, lean look until — now! Of course he’s still tall, but that freshman 10 (or 15?) really got him this year. At first I was remarking on it, because he was our buff, strong athlete a year ago, but then I realized I should back off and let him decide when he’s ready to start exercising again. He’s been home from college for a week now and he’s been talking about going to the gym — baby steps! I know he’ll get there when he’s ready…May 18, 2018 – 8:45 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I love that you chose that line because it’s my favorite line in this post and I almost made a pin of it but decided to use it later. UGH to the saggy face and saggy body. I hate (!!!!) it. But again, what to do? The med spa stuff is temporary and makes people look weird. Big Dude will get back. Hopefully, so will Tucker. It’s hard to not say something though. Mostly, I offer to throw the ball with him or whatever but this week, it’s been raining every day and we’re showing the house and and. Always an excuse right?May 18, 2018 – 9:42 pmReplyCancel

  • Debi - I have had the same struggles with body image as most western women, but when I had two daughters, I decided that it ended with me. I have modeled good self-talk and self-love whenever they’re around, even when I wasn’t feeling it. It’s also important to say things aloud like “Wow, I love how I look in this sweater!” or “I feel so put-together and pretty today!” I learned that it wasn’t enough not to talk negatively – I had to add the positive voice to my girls’ inner monologue, too. I’m not going to lie; it’s really hard. My hope is if my mom never said nice things about herself, and I can say them even when I don’t mean them, maybe my girls will be the ones to say AND mean them. That’s the dream, anyway!May 18, 2018 – 10:39 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - You rock for recognizing that your daughters need to not just NOT hear negative talk but to hear positive talk. I’m going to try to say that I love how I look in whatever outfit too. Such a great idea and here’s to the next generation actually meaning it. It’s so huge.May 18, 2018 – 9:44 pmReplyCancel

  • Lizzi - The ‘knowing when you’re not’ hungry is tough, amd tougher to back up with ‘so stop eating the yummy things already!’

    The pic of you then is gorgeous. Pics of now-you are gorgeous. You’re gorgeous. Btw.May 18, 2018 – 4:43 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - You’re gorgeous. And totally completely sweet. <3 <3 <3 UGH FOOD though. I appreciate you.May 18, 2018 – 9:45 pmReplyCancel

      • Lizzi - Ugh indeed. I’m afraid this was never a week I was going to join in with 😉 I think making steps towards what I want for my body is helping me to hate it less as it is now. So this time around that’s a big plus.
        I’m glad of you. That’s almost a nonsensical sentence but it makes sense in my head 😘May 19, 2018 – 1:50 amReplyCancel

        • Kristi Campbell - So I get the never for the body week, but I sorta thought you’d want to write about food and the food industry – being vegan and how you got there. I don’t know why I thought that! And there’s still time if you got sparked! And I’m glad of you. Makes total sense in my head.May 19, 2018 – 8:38 pmReplyCancel

          • Lizzi - Yaknow, I didn’t even begin to THINK of the vegan thing! My gift is not evangelism 🤣🤣May 20, 2018 – 12:08 pm

  • Lisa@TheGoldenSpoons - The weight thing is so hard with kids. Maybe especially since I have girls?? Never had a son, so don’t know if they feel pressure to look a certain way like girls do. Anyway, it is super hard – especially when I have “issues” myself and I want to be honest, but also not put any extra pressure on them or set an example of disliking the way I look. Ugh!!May 21, 2018 – 9:39 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - It’s super hard I think no matter what, although I imagine it’s harder with girls, given my own history compared to my husband’s. But Tucker so feels it too… and I hate that. I need to talk nicer to myself in front of him for sure.May 22, 2018 – 11:26 pmReplyCancel

  • Yvonne Spence - There’s so much in here! Very interesting post, and I love the photo of you aged 4!

    Almost everyone has a complicated relationship with food and body. I work part-time in a clothes shop, and so many women have hang-ups about something – even those of us who are stick thin. It used to be my arms, which I felt were old-person flabby and I was confused to realise that a dress I thought I couldn’t wear last year looks fine this year. Then I also realised that I’ve been doing yoga/pilates every morning for a year and a half, so that probably made a difference! I didn’t start the exercises for that reason but because of persistent pain and they help so much I keep doing them. So I guess I’m agreeing with you that it’s good to (mostly) be okay with how we look. And to give ourselves slack if we worry about our appearance – because everyone does, yet it’s almost become shameful to admit it.

    I can relate to teenage you – I also weighed myself five times a day and tried to diet. Today I don’t even own scales and I don’t put on weight. When I went to college age 19, I lived in catered accommodation and ate the food provided, and lost weight without trying. In a rare moment of clarity I decided everyone has a natural body shape and worried far less about mine every since – which I think is largely why I don’t put on weight. I honestly think that the more we worry food, the more we want to eat the wrong stuff and so it’s a vicious circle.

    That’s not to say I haven’t had food issues. Mainly mine have been worrying about health because I have felt tired so often and had digestion issues. I’ve tried various things and sometimes I’ve felt if I just worried less it would all be okay! However, finally, after a couple of months on the low FODMAP diet, I feel much better. I miss a lot of the things I used to love eating – but I might yet get to eat them again, and I prefer not to have constant bloating etc.

    BTW, I did start a post for this link-up, but then there was a family situation that took up a lot of time. It’s resolved now, but my post didn’t get finished! I probably will finish it anyway because it might be useful for some people.May 22, 2018 – 4:41 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I hope you’ll finish your post (or have, I’ll have to go check) because it does sound so helpful. I agree that the less we worry about weight and food the more natural eaters we are although the healthiest times in my life have been gotten from panic, like in a new relationship or whatever, which isn’t healthy. Tucker seems to not worry about body but omg does he love his carbs and I worry about that so much because there are so many foods he refuses to eat. I love your comment. And I thank you for it.May 22, 2018 – 11:30 pmReplyCancel

      • Yvonne Spence - Kristi, here’s a couple of stories that might ease your worries. When my daughters were young, I helped out in classes and once got into a conversation with a teacher about foods our children eat/ate. As a child, her daughter had eaten very little variety – mainly cornflakes if I remember correctly. Her daughter was by then 25 and ate a very healthy diet. I also remember a friend coming to visit and the only way her 15-year-old son would eat vegetables was pureed into a pasta sauce. By mid-20s he was a personal trainer and eating plenty of veg!
        My own daughters, at 20 and 18, are somewhere in between, eating veg and also eating all sorts of carbs I consider unhealthy – and sometimes I’d like them not to. But then I remember myself at that age and feel glad at least they eat veg and don’t live on chocolate and fries and drink too much! 🙂
        So yeah, we mothers will worry, and that’s okay. It’s also okay not to! 🙂May 24, 2018 – 6:55 amReplyCancel

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