Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

Our Land: Being A Mother And A Survivor Of Abuse

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Today’s Our Land post was authored by my fairly new friend Dawn of W.T.F. Words Thoughts Feelings. Dawn is honest, real, and possesses the type of bravery with her words that will make this world of ours more connected and less alone. When she asked me to share her story and new project in the Our Land Series, I knew that she’d be a great fit. I think that you will agree with me.

Our Land: Being A Mother And A Survivor Of Abuse

kissing daughter

The other night, I walked in to my children’s bedroom, as I do every night before I go to bed. As I went to my daughter’s bed, I was stopped by a reaction to what I was doing. I had this sudden sickness in my stomach and was panicked that maybe I was violating her personal space, and me being there could harm her. I had to force myself to go through with kissing her on the cheek, like I do every night, and at the same time tell that hard-wired part of my brain that this fear of harming her, just by being near her when she sleeps, is irrational.

It sounds strange doesn’t it? It’s strange and heart-breaking for me. This is the PTSD I have had to learn to cope with, because I was sexually abused as a child. People may think, “she is disgusting for thinking that way,” but here’s the thing, I don’t choose to. It happens to me. That panicked physical reaction I speak of steams from the fear instilled in me as a little girl, when my abuser walked in to my room at night. The abuse distorted connections in my brain that appropriately associate things correctly, like love and fear. I was told “I love you” by my abuser, every time he abused me, over a course of eight years. I believe that is the reason that I got that physical, ill feeling reaction, when I went to kiss my daughter goodnight and tell my sweet girl that I love her.

It doesn’t always happen. Sometimes I’m triggered, sometimes I’m not. A survivor of abuse doesn’t always have a choice to associate “normal” feelings with “normal” things, nor does she have a say when her body irrationally reacts to “normal” things. That’s what makes PTSD so difficult. Triggers come and go, and new ones arise, especially in the case of parenting.

Becoming a parent added a whole new, difficult layer to my recovery. I became triggered by things that I did with, around and for my children. I was triggered by certain people around my children. I was triggered by their sheer existence, in that I now could see how innocent of a child I was, at the time the abuse began.

It

It’s hard for me to see myself as this innocent little girl.

I recently wrote an article about what it’s like raising a girl as a survivor, for Scary Mommy. It was one of the most difficult pieces I have ever written, and just as scary to share. Even more so than the first time I publicly shared about my own story. I did it because in my own search to find support online, from literature or other survivor’s stories, I found none.  None. I was and still am shocked that with all that is written about and for survivors and parents, no one has recognized and addressed parents who are survivors. I know the role shame has in keeping survivors quiet, but didn’t fully understand its power, until I came up empty handed when I went looking for support myself.

being a mother and an abuse survivor

The response I received after publishing Raising A Girl erased any doubt that I previously had about being so open concerning my own experiences with abuse. I can’t tell you how many, “I’ve never heard anyone talk about this” responses I received. That whisper I have heard for awhile now, to do something bigger, to make more of a difference, became even louder. I just didn’t know what it was I was suppose to be doing or even how to get started.

Thankfully included in those many comments and personal messages, was a response from Joyelle. She told me she had never heard anyone speak about this before. Joyelle was as determined as I was to bring this issue to the surface. She suggested what she believed to be a crazy idea. I saw it as a sign – that whisper I was hearing suddenly became a shout.

Joyelle and I have since teamed up to create an anthology, including personal stories from parents who are survivors. We have titled it Trigger Points: An Abuse Survivors Experiences of Parenting. We feel very strongly about getting these stories out in the world, in hopes it will be a small push to change a cultural attitude, that perpetuates shame. We need to be able to admit shamelessly to ourselves and others, when the effects of the abuse are interrupting any aspect of living a healthy adult life. That most certainly includes parenting, something so vital to breaking the cycle of abuse.

our land

We are now open for submissions. We are looking for parents who have experienced childhood physical or sexual abuse, meaning you don’t have to be a “writer.” We will help you craft your words. You just have to be brave enough to share them with us.

We have created a Facebook page to assist in submitting a story, and to introduce ourselves a little better. We hope to build a community where survivors and their loved ones can seek and receive the kind of support they need.

https://www.facebook.com/TriggerPointsAnthology

Even if you are not a survivor, odds are you know someone that is. Simply seeing that this project is being created could be a ray of hope in a survivor’s day. Please like and share our Facebook page.

Thank you Kristi, for allowing me to discuss this difficult topic on your blog. Your support is appreciated more than I can put in to words. My intentions with being so open is to make even one survivor feel less alone. I have no doubt that you helped me accomplish that.

profile picSee? I told you that she’s brave and helping to make the world a more connected place. Here’s a bit more about her:

Dawn is a thirty-something wife and Momma to two. She blogs at W.T.F. words thoughts feelings, where some of her writings are about being a survivor of too many ugly events in her life, but a desire to incorporate them into something that makes the pain and dysfunction worth something.

The rest are random, humorous takes on being a woman, being Momma and the lessons life keeps throwing at her. Dawn can be found on Facebook and Twitter.

 


  • Angel The Alien - I remember reading somewhere a story about a man who’d been sexually abused by his father as a child, and it took his wife years to convince him that it was safe, and normal, for him to help give his small children a bath or change their diapers, because he was so afraid that he’d do something to abuse them. I hope your anthology helps many people to speak out!October 21, 2014 – 7:32 pmReplyCancel

    • Dawn - I think that type of situation is very common among survivors. In the man’s case you talk about, having a wife that was willing to support him and work at convincing him “for years”, that unfortunately is not so common. I think having children triggers something inside of us, and it is inevitable that the effects of our own abuse will effect how we are able to parent. We want parent survivors to feel less alone in this process. Thank you for reading and responding. ~DawnOctober 21, 2014 – 9:09 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Angel, I’m watching a show right now that has the same issue (Ray Donovan) for one of the boys in it. It’s heartbreaking. I agree that I hope Dawn’s anthology helps so so many people. I know it will.October 22, 2014 – 10:51 pmReplyCancel

  • anon - How do you start the whole thing because I usually comment on kristi’s posts but had to read this one a bunch and share it with my cousin because we were both raped by him but he was only a few years older then us so we never felt like it was abuse? I am in therapy and she can’t date at all and neither of us have kids and our parents didn’t even believe us and her mom even said that she shouldn’t have been playing in the basement with him? so I think I just want to know where to start because I couldn’t write in a book or anything but need to know how to get help but I’m so embarrassed because I a little bit let him by playing the game?October 21, 2014 – 9:22 pmReplyCancel

    • Dawn - If you are in therapy already, I would say that is the first step. Recovery is a long and difficult process and is different for everyone. However, what is the same for all of us is the shame and hurt. I believe that is what makes us stagnant in recovery for so very long. Be honest with yourself and your therapist. Remember, don’t apologize for your feelings regarding the abuse. You are entitled to authentically feel whatever you are feeling. And reach out to others through social groups. Sometimes it is easier to type than talk. Much love to you.October 21, 2014 – 9:39 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Anon, please do hang in there and yes, so much love to you.October 22, 2014 – 10:52 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - So brave! Thanks you for sharing your story.October 21, 2014 – 10:17 pmReplyCancel

    • Dawn - Thank you for reading, Lisa. This is a difficult to write about but also to even read, so I thank you very much.October 22, 2014 – 7:15 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Lisa, thank you!October 22, 2014 – 10:55 pmReplyCancel

  • me me - Is it abuse if I tried to see what it was like with my brother when i was 7 and he was 5 because our mom beat us with the belt but i didn’t think it was anything bad but maybe, the fact that her brother was doodling on me was something?Or maybe I am crazy.October 21, 2014 – 10:49 pmReplyCancel

    • Dawn - You’re not crazy. I must say though, being a survivor makes me an expert on my own experience, but we are all different. It sounds like you need to work with a therapist that you trust and that you have built a relationship with, in order to figure out what you are struggling with. And definitely reach out on-line. You are not alone and a lot of discussion can be made anonymously. Take care of yourself.October 22, 2014 – 7:24 amReplyCancel

      • Kristi Campbell - me me – I agree with Dawn that a therapist would help and I’d also say that there’s the “norm” of playing doctor at ages 7 and 5 but that your mom and her brother parts of it sound much more complicated. I so hope you’ll reach out – to me, if you’d like, or to Dawn or to somebody. It sounds like you really need to talk to somebody and I’m so very sorry for what you’re feeling. I hope that you can realize – like Dawn said – that you’re definitely not alone. We are here, and we are listening. And we care, so much.October 22, 2014 – 10:58 pmReplyCancel

  • Out One Ear - Linda Atwell - another brave piece. another brave woman. You have the best guest bloggers. I will be checking this young lady’s work out. She definitely needs to be heard. Eight years. Eight years floored me. I hope the person was caught and prosecuted.October 22, 2014 – 2:59 amReplyCancel

    • Dawn - Linda~ Even having lived the abuse for eight years, it still gives me a punch to the gut when I write it or say it out loud. That’s why pictures of me as a young girl, like the one I shared in the post, are so damn tough to look at. As far as my abuser…I got handed a plane ticket to NY at 14 when the abuse came to light and he just continued with his life. He divorced my sister, got remarried and “found Jesus”. Unfortunately, in the case of sex abuse, the offender very rarely is persecuted. Thank you so much for reading this piece.October 22, 2014 – 8:02 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I agree, Linda, most especially that Dawn needs to be heard. Eight years. I know. It breaks my heart. And when it comes to guest bloggers, you know you are welcome whenever you’re ready to say whatever it is that you want to say for Our Land.October 22, 2014 – 10:59 pmReplyCancel

      • out One Ear - Linda Atwell - Thanks Kristi–I’m trying to think of something awesome enough for Our Land. Once I find it, I’ll be writing you.October 22, 2014 – 11:54 pmReplyCancel

        • Kristi Campbell - Everything you write is awesome. I know you’ll share the perfect thing to add to this place of trying to make the world better…October 23, 2014 – 12:34 amReplyCancel

  • Allie @ The LKM - Wow, that is very powerful. Dawn, my heart goes out to you. I am certain that your courage in sharing your story will help other survivors!October 22, 2014 – 9:02 amReplyCancel

  • Emily - You are so brave for sharing your story and I think what you are doing with your anthology is wonderful because you will help other victims of abuse. I can see how shame will keep people from coming forward, but I hope that others are as courageous as you.October 22, 2014 – 10:11 amReplyCancel

    • Dawn - Supportive comments like yours, Emily, are what’s keeping me going on this journey. Thank you so much.October 22, 2014 – 11:34 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I agree Emily. Thank you!October 22, 2014 – 11:14 pmReplyCancel

  • Kerri - You are so very brave in sharing your story. It is so very difficult for me. Once in a while I catch myself in how I deal with my children. I wish you much luck on your journey and success on the new ventureOctober 22, 2014 – 12:37 pmReplyCancel

    • Dawn - Thank you, Kerri, for reading and responding. I think it is difficult for all of us. Most won’t even admit that it DID happen to them, let alone are able to see the effects of the abuse within their parenting. Thank you so much for your support. Please, if you find that you want to say more on this topic, consider submitting a piece for the anthology.October 22, 2014 – 10:09 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Kerri!!! NO NO NO!!! I do not want this to be true. And I’m so so so sorry 🙁 Fucking assholes who take advantage of kids!!!October 22, 2014 – 11:14 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - I’m sharing this. I hope that the anthology is very successful and that more people are brave enough to share so that so many people won’t have to come up empty like Dawn did. Bravo to Dawn and Joyelle for taking on this project.October 22, 2014 – 3:37 pmReplyCancel

    • Dawn - Thank you for sharing, Kenya. My first thoughts about starting this project were just what you said, I don’t want anyone to go looking for help, and find nothing available to them.October 22, 2014 – 10:12 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thank you Kenya. I hope it’s amazingly successful as well. I feel like it will be because everybody needs to know that abuse is NOT THEIR FAULT and that they are not alone…October 22, 2014 – 11:15 pmReplyCancel

  • Tamara - I’m so glad you did share.
    I’m not a survivor of any kind of abuse, but I do have trauma from my past that triggered PTSD from the simple act of taking my daughter to kindergarten.
    Nothing could have prepared me for having panic reactions to something so simple, but it happened. It happens.October 22, 2014 – 4:38 pmReplyCancel

    • Dawn - It seems to always be the simple things that trigger. And usually the moments that we are supposed to feel gratitude for or love surrounding. PTSD, no matter the route that led you there, is brutal. It truly can rob you. Thank you for understanding the importance of this project and for your support, Tamara.October 22, 2014 – 10:15 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - It does happen, Tamara and thank you so much for sharing. I am so impressed with Dawn for doing this project, it just gets me times a bazillion that people are silent when they so need to connect!October 22, 2014 – 11:16 pmReplyCancel

  • Marcia @ Menopausal Mother - It breaks my heart that you went thorough this as a child. How very brave of you to share your story and touch the lives of others who have the same, painful memories of abuse.October 24, 2014 – 10:29 pmReplyCancel

    • Dawn - Marcia ~ I’m so sorry for the untimely response first off. Thank you so much for commenting. Every time I post about this topic, the response I receive is so humbling and drives me to keep talking. Your encouragement is so very appreciated.November 3, 2014 – 6:43 pmReplyCancel

  • Piroska - It is so important to have a voice. To obliterate the shame that keeps us from talking about it.
    As a child, I was so quiet. In so many photographs of me, from babyhood to 4 years old, I have my eyes closed. I always wondered why, until one day I realized that I had wanted to be invisible.
    See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil.
    Silent, no more!

    Thank you for sharing your story.November 4, 2014 – 9:32 amReplyCancel

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