Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

My Husband Almost Missed Our Son’s Birth Because We Were Arguing: A Book Review of Clash of the Couples

Daddy almost missed my birth because he and mommy were arguingMy husband Robert almost missed the birth of our little boy because we were arguing while I was in labor.

After 13 weeks of bedrest and a few scares, I was more than ready to have my son. The day had finally arrived, and we headed up to the hospital. Once we finally got set up in the room, I was hooked up to monitors, bored, and annoyed that the nurses on staff wouldn’t allow me to walk around or eat anything.

For weeks, Robert and I had had an ongoing conversation about me wanting him to watch as the baby came out. I’d been able to witness my best friend giving birth twice, and knew that watching while the baby was born was incredible and life-changing.  I wanted my husband to experience that feeling too. To witness the miracle.

While waiting for the Pitocin to kick in, I figured a final reminder wouldn’t hurt.

“Robert, you have to promise that you’ll watch the baby come out.”

“I can watch him come out from up here, by your head.”

“No, you can’t! It’s not the same! You need to watch him come out of my vagina.”

“But, what if I faint? I’m not sure I should see it all stretched out and gross like that.”

“You’re calling my body gross? And you won’t faint! You’re being a baby. If you feel light-headed, just sit on a fucking chair or something! God, I just want this one thing!  I’ll tell you what. You can pick one thing that you want. It just can’t be the opposite of my one thing and my one thing is that I want you to watch our son come out!”

“Fine. I’m gonna faint though. I almost fainted when my daughter was born.”

“You’re such a baby! Didn’t you grow up on a farm?? And now is not the time to remind me that you’ve already done this whole thing with somebody else. Just promise you’ll watch his head come out!”

“Fine, whatever.” “And cow parts are different from my wife’s parts anyway.”

“Cow parts? OMG. Just. Promise. Me!”

“I said ‘fine,’ already!”

Pretty quickly, shit started to get real. After a failed epidural left one of my legs so numb that I could barely move it but could feel every single contraction and everything else, it was finally time to push. I was wondering whether I’d married a wimp, thinking that maybe he was right and shouldn’t have to see my vagina do whatever it would do…

…and while pushing, I farted. Not super-loudly but there was pretty much no mistaking what it was.

My husband chuckled. I smacked him in the chest. He got mad that I’d smacked him, and walked out of the room.

He must have finally come to his senses and realized that laughing at anything a woman does while in labor is completely uncool. Really, he’s lucky that I didn’t pee on him or anything. Anyway, he did return in time for the birth, watched our son Tucker come out from the end I wanted him to, and didn’t faint or anything.

Why am I telling you this? Because, to borrow the words of Crystal Ponti, “Couples fight about stupid shit.” Crystal, the mastermind behind the new and hilarious anthology Clash of the Couples, has compiled 46 awesome stories about the ridiculous fights that couples have. And you guys? They’re hilarious. Clash of The Couples

Forget spats over money and parenting – these stories include college boobs, food poisoning during a hurricane in a shared room with strangers, and the ever-important question “Would you still think I was hot if I lost all my limbs?”  These awesomely absurd arguments will leave you shaking your head while feeling better about your own couples squabbles.

Get your own copy today! You won’t regret it. I promise.

The_Mother_of_All_MeltdownsjpgPS Crystal is also the compiler and editor of the awesome recent book that I actually contributed to, The Mother of All Meltdowns!!!

If you, as a mom, have ever had a meltdown, you’re not alone!

 

 


  • zoe - Gotta read this….my parents fought on my birthday too….thats why I have three different dates….thanks guys.November 18, 2014 – 6:08 pmReplyCancel

  • Emily - That’s a hilarious story – I hope it’s in the book too! (And incidentally, at Little Dude’s birth, my father walked in just as I was about to push (he worked at the hospital so had free reign so to speak). My OB joked and asked if he wanted to help deliver the baby…it was sort of too late for him to walk out and leave because the doctors said the baby would be out any minute, so I said, “dad, just stay – no biggie.” (3rd baby so I was pretty calm) He stayed, but took the position Robert wanted – by my head — while my husband was at the “other end.” It made for a funny story and my dad still brags about seeing his grandson born. 🙂November 18, 2014 – 6:26 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Emily,
      Like a butthole, I didn’t even submit to this anthology but OMG to your dad walking in!!! Part of me is horrified but part of me is like “WOW what a gift he got!!” Because while kinda gross, it truly is a gift to see a baby born. I love that you have such a similar story!!!November 18, 2014 – 8:27 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - LOL! Great book review. I farted, peed and that other thing. I had my eyes closed because I was so embarrassed. So I don’t know what anyones face looked like while I was losing control. I watched my best friend give birth. I insisted that I would stay by her head but then she requested a mirror so she could see and so I saw the whole thing. We were like 22 years old at the time. I was scared to death. It really was awesome though.

    I found a Youtube video recently of a giraffe giving birth – also AWESOME!

    Glad Robert made it through 😉 See if you can get him to watch the giraffe. LOL!November 18, 2014 – 7:45 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Kenya!!! I love that your eyes were closed. I can relate to that. I peed on the doctor and was SOOOOO embarrassed. My husband was just wrong to chuckle at me having gas. I mean I’d eaten nothing but AIR for like 20 hours!!! Of course that’s what’s coming out. I still give him a hard time of it and also love that you saw the whole thing with your girlfriend. It really is pretty amazing. Almost makes me want to do it again. Wait. I’m 46.November 18, 2014 – 8:29 pmReplyCancel

      • Kenya G. Johnson - Well as my MIL likes to remind me “Halle Berry had baby at 47.”November 18, 2014 – 8:40 pmReplyCancel

        • Kristi Campbell - UGH for real? Some other chick did too, who’s the woman… Kelly Preston maybe??? I’m reminded of it as well and as much as I’d love for that to happen again, well, I think that ship sailed as it were… now I’m looking happy about grandbabies. Also Halle Berry has teams of helpers… right?November 18, 2014 – 8:45 pmReplyCancel

          • Kenya G. Johnson - That’s exactly what I was thinking – teams of helpers. I seem to get sick now if I don’t get enough sleep. I can’t imagine if I had to do the sleepless nights all over again.November 18, 2014 – 8:48 pm

  • Mike - I delivered a few babies as a medic many years ago and obviously it was not a situation where the husband could be present. It’s definitely a life-changing event to observe…including the peeing and defecating lol 🙂 Anyhoo, my partner and I were too busy saving baby and mom’s lives each time so there were more important things to be focused on. Good post, Kristi 🙂November 18, 2014 – 8:07 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Hey yo I did not crap on the table. I just farted but pooping is allowed as well because COME ON!!! Pushing a watermelon out of a pee hole? Totally acceptable! Thanks, Mike 🙂November 18, 2014 – 8:31 pmReplyCancel

  • Kerri - That is freaking hysterical. David & I didn’t fight during the 3 day birthing torture. Though if I had the strength I would have smacked him back into the 1970’s when he told the doctor it was just like gutting a deer when they did Abby’s c-sectionNovember 19, 2014 – 8:59 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - OMG he said that it was like gutting a deer and you didn’t kill him???November 19, 2014 – 10:26 pmReplyCancel

  • Meredith - Love it! This is so funny! Thanks for the laugh and thanks for reading and sharing this book 🙂November 19, 2014 – 9:30 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thank you for writing such an excellent story for it and making me wish I’d contributed!! You’re awesome!November 19, 2014 – 10:27 pmReplyCancel

  • Julia Arnold @ Frantic Mama - Kristi–
    You should have put your story in the book!! Hilarious.

    Thanks so much for reading and writing about Clash of the Couples.

    P.S. That photo of your son as a newborn is to die for!!

    ~JuliaNovember 19, 2014 – 10:02 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I should have… I didn’t think of it at the time and I so regret it but am glad to have read yours and this whole book!! And thanks, Tucker’s a cutie for sure 🙂November 19, 2014 – 10:28 pmReplyCancel

  • Scott - Robert’s lucky all you did was fart. Other stuff could have come flying out, as well. Still a hilarious story, though.

    I was worried about my ability to stay conscious during birth, too. I sat at my wife’s head while they did a c-section. I felt numb and detached while watching, but I didn’t pass out. Then all bets were off when I could finally hold my babies.November 19, 2014 – 10:38 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I know, right? The friend who let me watch her births pooped on the table. Also, I did projectile pee on the doc and even had the decency to apologize. Dude, you rock for not passing out too. Once Tucker came out, my husband actually ran around me to see him which was awesome.November 19, 2014 – 10:30 pmReplyCancel

  • WriterMom Angela - My parents were arguing when I was born, my dad was out to sea with the Navy and unreachable so since my mom was ticked at him she picked the name she liked for me, but he didn’t like just to spit him! lolNovember 19, 2014 – 11:29 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - That’s too funny, Angela!!! We’d already agreed on the name or else I might have chosen my own – especially if he didn’t get back in time to watch him come out!!November 19, 2014 – 10:35 pmReplyCancel

  • Foxy Wine Pocket - I LOVE your story–that’s hilarious. Thanks so much for reading and sharing the book! xoxoNovember 19, 2014 – 11:50 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks for your part!!! I am pissed at myself that I didn’t contribute so the least I could do was give you peeps an awesome shoutout!November 19, 2014 – 10:41 pmReplyCancel

  • Allie - Kristi, this post should have come with a warning – don’t be drinking and reading. I just spit my green tea out all over my key board! You’re story is flippin’ hilarious and should be in the book:)> I LOVE the Mother of all Meltdowns, so I am off to order this one…November 19, 2014 – 2:49 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - HAHA Allie!!! Sorry about your keyboard and I agree – should have submitted to the book but well, I didn’t remember it in time!!! Yay for ordering this one. If you do it from my link I earn like 2 cents or something.November 19, 2014 – 10:42 pmReplyCancel

  • Tamara - haha! I always laugh at fart stories. No poop on the examination table???
    I love this story. And I loved this book!November 19, 2014 – 4:35 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I did NOT poop on the table. Did you???? HMMM??? Of course, I hadn’t eaten in like 36 hours so maybe pooping would have been too much to ask for 😉November 19, 2014 – 10:43 pmReplyCancel

  • Chris Carter - That is HILARIOUS!!! Funny story- one of my best friends went on the ‘tour’ of the delivery ward with her husband and a group of first time parents and she turned around and couldn’t find her husband!!! He had PASSED OUT in the last room they were in- which was the delivery room!!!

    #TOTALWIMP

    A TOUR. A freaking TOUR.November 20, 2014 – 12:36 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Thanks, Chris!! HAHAH that her husband passed out on the TOUR!! That’s just plain old awesome!! 🙂November 26, 2014 – 7:22 pmReplyCancel

  • Elizabeth - Oh, that is the funniest story! Thank you for sharing it with us! Yeah, my hubby and I argue about silly things some times too, lol! We try to laugh about it as soon as we can. 🙂November 20, 2014 – 4:15 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Laughing about the arguments is a must but that birth story one took me about a year to find funny!! I sometimes still joke with him about it 🙂November 26, 2014 – 7:22 pmReplyCancel

  • My Inner Chick - HAAAhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

    I am reading MY OTHER EX.
    Then, Rare Bird…
    THEEEEEEEEEN, THIS ONE!!!

    Thanks, Kristi!

    xxxxNovember 20, 2014 – 6:19 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - 🙂 🙂 YAY for awesome books to read. I LOVED My Other Ex and was just mad at myself for not contributing!!! Same with this one! UGH I need to be more proactive.November 26, 2014 – 7:24 pmReplyCancel

  • Jodi Flaherty - Thank you so much for being on the tour! I loved your story and totally could empathize for you in those moments. I am glad hubby came to his senses! NEVER laugh at anything a woman does in labor. totally out of bounds!November 20, 2014 – 9:55 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I love that I was on this tour!!! And yup – never ever laugh at a woman in labor!! 🙂November 26, 2014 – 7:24 pmReplyCancel

  • Out One Ear - Linda Atwell - This. Is. Hilarious! I hope the stories in the book are as good as your story. Can’t wait to get my copy.November 20, 2014 – 11:59 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ The Meaning of Me - That is hilarious. I would really love to have had a funny moment about Kidzilla’s birth…but there just isn’t one. The whole day was very un-funny. But aren’t the arguments couples have completely ridiculous? One of our best is whether the Hub is sleeping in his living room chair (he always is) or not (so he claims). And it never changes…how stupid!November 22, 2014 – 3:41 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Well Lisa, trust me that at the time, I was so not grateful for the funny moment and wanted to punch my husband for leaving the room! I really thought he was going to miss my son’s birth!!! HAHA to your funny argument. Couples really do argue about the stupidest stuff!November 26, 2014 – 7:26 pmReplyCancel

  • Michelle @ A Dish of Daily Life - Kristi, this is hilarious! They tried to talk me into watching with a mirror while I was in labor and I said no, absolutely not. Maybe at the time it wasn’t the right decision, but I think I might have passed out if I watched too…I don’t think my husband watched either, but quite honestly I really have no idea because I was so out of my mind at that point I don’t remember much of anything except wanting the baby to just come out. As you might have guessed, I did not do well with labor.November 23, 2014 – 12:22 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - HAHA Michelle! You said no to the mirror? Honestly, and this is really weird to admit, but I can’t remember if I had a mirror or not. I think not though… Labor sucks. And then we forget how much it sucks and want to do it again (I’m not doing it again but totally would if I were younger).November 26, 2014 – 7:28 pmReplyCancel

  • Jana - This sounds like a great read! I could use some chuckles!November 26, 2014 – 12:39 amReplyCancel

  • Robbie - Hilarious story and the book sounds entertaining too!November 26, 2014 – 8:36 pmReplyCancel

  • Kevin@doubletroubledaddy - Thanks so much for reading and reviewing Clash of the Couples. I loved the story about your husband. I was told I COULDN’T watch the birth (my wife had a C-Section). She made me stay up by her head, behind the sheet.I was going to sneak a peak but was too busy keeping her calm (and I didn’t want to get hit…lol).December 4, 2014 – 12:01 pmReplyCancel

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