Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

Our Land – The Itsy Bitsy Purple Spider

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I have a relatively new friend that I’d like to share with you via today’s Our Land contribution. Erin, from Musings by Mama is warm, compassionate, writes magical words of beauty, inspiration, and love, and is one of those mamas you know would have you laughing after dinner, while relaxing on the porch with her. Plus, if you’ve got a special event planned, she can come sing at it! She’s a for real wedding singer! (I know! Like Adam and Billy – which you know how I feel about that, but better!!). Anyway, sorry for the distraction, because she’s truly amazing. Here, see for yourself:

Our Land – The Itsy Bitsy Purple Spider

Arrrr Matey!

Arrrr Matey!

A few months ago I wrote this.

I was a few months away from dropping Evan off at school for the first time. A few months away from the first time I would be away from my son for more than a few hours at a time, multiple times a week.  A few months before I was back teaching children with special needs and Evan, our child with Williams Syndrome, would be attending school with children who do NOT have special needs.

I was nervous.

Fearful.

Uneasy.

I have known one of the teachers at Evan’s school for a long time and I trust and respect her very much.  This did not stop me from questioning all the ways that Evan could struggle during the day.  It did not stop me from envisioning what would happen when the children had free play and Evan was given the opportunity to “do his own thing.” Would he sit in the corner with a wheel and spin it…gulp…..alone?  Would the kids look at him funny? Would the teachers feel he was too much of a burden?? How on earth would they get him to sit during group activities? Would they understand him when he tried to communicate?

Goodness. I am actually ashamed I thought some of these things. Oh…shame, such a filthy, unnecessary emotion.

Peace out Shame!

Peace out Shame!

I’m here to give a little update. Um. In a word, I was wrong.

And I am THRILLED that I was.

Out of all the changes that have happened in my life in the last few months, the one that I worry about the least is Evan’s school placement.  He is loved. Well cared for. Given attention. Challenged. Prayed for. High fived. Hugged. Allowed to learn at his own pace. They bought E a special seat so that he can sit with the other children during lunch and be on their level. They “spot” him when he goes up the staircase to the classroom, and they use the technique his physical therapist showed them so he can become more independent.

Yea. I know. I was really wrong. And I should have known better. I work in a school that has incredible teachers.  Teachers who love the children like they were their own. Teachers who believe in the potential of each child in their class, not just the gifted students, but everyone.  I know there are plenty of teachers out there who are conscientious, loving individuals.

I think as a mama bear of a child with special needs, your worries take a deeper hook on your heart.  Your ability to “let go” and trust others with your child is hindered by your knowledge of all the time spent on therapies, feeding techniques, practicing consonant sounds, or knowing just the right amount of support to give when he climbs the playground equipment to let him be independent but also to keep him safe. You think, “how can someone else just know all of those things about my child?”

Back to the itsy bitsy purple spider.  I went in to pick Evan up on Halloween.  I noticed that there are baggies in all the kids’ cubbies, and I could see that they were filled with a few pieces of candy and some other small treats for each child.  I sort of absent mindedly thought to myself, “I guess Todd or I will be eating the candy, since Evan can’t. Oh well.” Then I saw this little black and purple stuffed spider with a top hat in Evan’s cubbie. I thought for a second that it might be another child’s so I turned around to ask one of the teachers if they knew whose spider it was so I could return it to its rightful owner.  Evan’s teacher came over and said that she gave it to him because she knew he wouldn’t be able to enjoy the other treats in the bag due to his hypercalcemia and his immature chewing pattern (that we are working on!). My stomach soared, my lip quivered. She gave him a spider. Because she wanted him to feel thought of. She wanted him to enjoy Halloween to the same extent the other children were. Even though he would have no idea that mommy and daddy ate his Milky Way. But that doesn’t matter. She took the time to think of Evan outside of the classroom. To pick up a stuffed spider on her shopping trip.

That hook on my heart has loosened. I know it is possible for others to care for Evan. No, they are not his mother or father. In a perfect world we could take care of him at home long term. But honestly, even if we could, that can’t last forever.  Evan loves people. He thrives on human contact. As one of the presenters said at the Williams Syndrome conference this past month- “Those with WS have a social hunger.” Our dreams for him include his being able to be as much a part of society as he is able and wants to. This requires time spent with adults and children who do not live in his house. Without us hovering over his every move or choice.

I’m here to tell you, it can be okay.

Sending your child to daycare, school, activities with other children- It can be pretty great. Your child deserves the chance to  show you that he can handle it. He deserves your trust.

I still miss him. I still worry. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.

Evan’s first day of school

Evan’s first day of school

But the look of joy on his face when I mention school is pretty darn fabulous.

See? I got all choked up, too, having had such similar worries and reliefs when Tucker first started school. Like I said, Erin is awesome. Here’s a bit more about her:

Erin is a special ed teacher, a mother of a child with special needs, and an aspiring wedding singer. She is wife to a brewer of excellent beer and a  beautiful bald head for business. She enjoys theater, both directing and acting, and most recently has taken up writing in the form of blogging. Interact with Erin on her Musings by Mama Facebook page, on Google+, and catch up with her and the adorable Evan on her excellent blog, Musings by Mama.


  • Tamara - I am so honored to be the first to comment here (maybe? It could be happening while I slowly type this..) because this was such a nice story and I’m a bit weepy over the spider with the top hat!
    That shows love and caring.
    Sending our children to school…letting go…man it’s not for the faint of heart. And I realize your situation is unique. Happy for you that it’s going so well.December 11, 2013 – 12:37 amReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - I LOVE a good teacher story. My heart swelled up at the kids “spotting” him on the staircase. That’s wonderful that he’s looked out for from everybody.December 11, 2013 – 7:33 amReplyCancel

  • Shay - Oh my gosh, this post brought tears to my eyes this morning! I think any mother can understand how much that spider meant to you. I tear up EVERY SINGLE TIME my kids’ preschool teachers sends home Christmas ornaments that they’ve made as gifts for us. I waited a long time for my kids, and my gosh, not a day goes by that I don’t thank God that they’re here. So the Christmas ornaments are really special because there were years that I never knew if I’d have kids to celebrate Christmas with. Anyway, Christmas is coming up and I’ve warned their teachers that I will cry when I get the ornaments–but it’ll be a good cry. So I totally get this, and I’m so glad things are going so well for you and your son!!December 11, 2013 – 7:49 amReplyCancel

  • Shay - *send* home

    I can’t stand grammatical errors! I’m not the a-hole who points them out when other people make them, but I’ve got to correct them when I make them myself. 🙂December 11, 2013 – 7:50 amReplyCancel

  • Janine Huldie - As a former teacher of kids with and without special needs, I can honestly say this story just totally put tears in my eyes, because now as a mom and not just a teacher, I can truly relate on both levels. My girls are not special needs, but still I was nervous about sending them to pre-school for the first time and worried how they would fit in and socialize with other children. So, on tha level I can so relate and will say my heart soars when I see my girls playing with other kids their age and also being included. As for your son’s teacher, what a wonderful, kind hearted thing she did and shows me that their are still some pretty awesome teachers out there for sure. Thanks so much fro sharing here with us today 🙂December 11, 2013 – 8:02 amReplyCancel

  • Kerri @ Undiagnosed but Okay - I remember having most of these same feelings. The wonder if Boo would be okay out of my sight or even okay in a ‘typical’ classroom. But you are right, it ended up being the best thing for her!December 11, 2013 – 9:23 amReplyCancel

  • donofalltrades - As I am old now and have to wear glasses, I did not appreciate that your reaction to that kind gesture by Evan’s teacher caused a salty liquid discharge to suddenly appear on my eyeballs! I had to remove my glasses to get to it, so thanks for that.

    I never for one second worried about sending my oldest to school because she’s always been able to make friends easily and could give two shits if somebody doesn’t want to be her friend. My 4 year old, on the other hand, wears his little heart on his sleeve and is crushed when another person doesn’t want to play with him. Plus, he’s small for his age and has a couple of other very minor health issues like asthma, so I worry about how the other kids are making him feel sometimes. Every now and then he’ll mention how a kid didn’t want to play with him or lament that another boy is taller and faster than him, etc. It’s stupid shit, but still, we all want our kids to be safe and happy while they’re in school. I’m glad you’ve had a positive experience with your boy so far and I hope it continues. Schools have come a long way with dealing with special needs kids, but there’s still plenty of work to be done. I remember they decided my brother was a candidate for special education (he rode the short bus) when I think he was just a juvenile delinquent with maybe some ADD. Anyway, those kids basically stayed in the library all day doing nothing and I’m sure the couple of years he spent in those “classes” set him back a bit. It seems like they make more effort to keep all the kids together as best they can, and that seems like a better option to me, for multiple reasons.December 11, 2013 – 9:29 amReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - Lovely post! I used to teach special needs preschoolers before I had my own children. Since I wasn’t a mother at the time, I didn’t understand their sense of “overprotectiveness.” Now, I most definitely do. What that teacher did for Evan and for you is awesome and I’m so glad it is turning out to be a good experience for both of you!December 11, 2013 – 9:41 amReplyCancel

  • Kelly McKenzie - The look of joy on his face when you mention school … What could be more perfect? That must just warm Erin’s heart every single time.
    Thank you for sharing this beautiful and well written piece.December 11, 2013 – 10:24 amReplyCancel

  • Dana - Erin, I read the blog post you linked to before I read this – the one about going back to teaching. Then I read this, and I am so glad to hear that Evan has a teacher like you. Not his mother, but a teacher with the same passion for her job and love for her students. Thank you for sharing your story, and may Evan continue to have fabulous teachers!December 11, 2013 – 11:00 amReplyCancel

  • Emily - Beautiful…we still struggle with this and our son is 16! He recently told us that sometimes he feels like we don’t believe in him because we are always so quick to jump in and help him, which is what we’ve been doing his whole life. It was eye-opening. Sometimes we need to have that trust, both with other adults who interact with our kids, but with our kids themselves too.December 11, 2013 – 11:50 amReplyCancel

  • thedoseofreality - This is simply beautiful in every way. I totally cried reading it. The story about the spider made me sob into my hands.-AshleyDecember 11, 2013 – 12:03 pmReplyCancel

  • Considerer - This is really, really gorgeously written, Erin, and well done you for sharing so eloquently and in such an accessible way, what it is that you’ve struggled with. I’m thrilled to pieces for you that the anxieties you had were tackled head-on by the teachers, and they did *such* a good job for Evan. They absolutely ROCK.

    Have you shown them this? And the responses – and how SUPER-PLEASED we all are to know that there are teachers out there who innately ‘get’ how important this is?December 11, 2013 – 12:17 pmReplyCancel

  • Sarah | LeftBrainBuddha - So glad that you’ve found such a good place! my children’s daycare teachers are amazing! They do so much…December 11, 2013 – 5:55 pmReplyCancel

  • Angel The Alien - Wow, that is awesome! You sure lucked out with such a good school! It is especially sweet that the teacher made sure Evan had a treat of his own, whereas some teachers would just think, “Oh well, life isn’t fair.”December 11, 2013 – 7:05 pmReplyCancel

  • Erin - Thank you so much everyone. I apologize for causing tears- I am glad they were happy ones. I truly hope every worried mama gets to have an experience like I have had these past few months- at least once in their child’s school career. Good people exist. We just hear about the bad ones more often unfortunately.December 11, 2013 – 9:33 pmReplyCancel

  • Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. - Oh my goodness, this is so breathtakingly beautiful that I’m in tears. I am so happy for you that you have had such an inspiring, uplifting experience and that Evan is in an environment where he is loved. ALL parents should have this. Thank you so much for sharing your story!December 11, 2013 – 11:39 pmReplyCancel

  • Rachel - Wow, this is such a well-written piece. I felt taken on a ride with you through your fears and doubts to your successes and triumphs! At the end, I was cheering and crying for everyone, for you, your son and his caring teacher (and the spider). Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt and inspiring story!December 13, 2013 – 10:01 pmReplyCancel

  • JenKehl - My Skewed View - This is a wonderful post, because you’re right. It is harder for us special needs mama. It is still hard for me to leave him with a sitter even though he is more responsible than his father.
    It’s not that I worry when everything is OK, it’s those what if moments. You captured it beautifully, I feel a little jealous of your strong will.
    You are a great mama.December 14, 2013 – 1:41 amReplyCancel

  • Sandy Ramsey - I am a little behind on my reading but am so glad I found this one in my feed this morning! What a wonderful story….for everyone! Good for Evan and good for you. Let me also say that you are a wonderful, wonderful writer! Thanks for sharing this!December 16, 2013 – 6:19 amReplyCancel

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