Finding Ninee » Sharing our parenting and special needs stories with heart and humor.

Our Land – Your Mother’s Child

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Today’s Our Land Series post has been authored by the full-hearted, heart-full, fabulous Chris Carter, from The Mom Cafe. This woman is not only fabulously amazing, but she’s got such an unwavering faith for life, motherhood, and peacefulness. I truly admire her and am more than honored to feature her words here, today. I think that you’ll be as blown away by her goodness as I am.

Our Land – Your Mother’s Child 

I am sharing this season of motherhood I endured for a reason.  This was our life, for nine years.  I am grateful every day that I can use the word “was” because at the time, I never thought there would ever come a day that I could. After countless diagnosis and surgeries and procedures, we have finally figured out all of my daughter’s many medical issues that created such affliction.  I thank God for this long winding path to her health.  Those were the most difficult years of my life. 

 For all those mamas who struggle and suffer through the twists and turns of their children’s painful path, please find encouragement in my conclusion.  I believe each child was created specifically for us… and each mother was hand picked for them.  Oh please believe that, dear moms.  And carry forth your calling.  May every woman with a child realize this truth.

It’s 1:00am and I lie here listening to my dear daughter cough her lungs out.  It reminds me of all we have been through with this horrible ailment they call “Asthma.” She is in a bout, but it is mild compared to what we have been through during the last eight years of her life….

From her first horrific beginning of this journey, it has been an intensely exhausting and terrifying experience.  I could write pages on her long struggle, but I will only tell a short story instead.

My daughter has struggled with multiple medical issues that have led us to doctors and therapists and specialists on a daily basis.  She was a sick baby, and I was a tired and terrified mama.  There were endless days of questioning and doubting and fearing the worst.  After a year and a half of those days, we decided to risk it and take a trip to Florida to see some friends and family.  She was only 18 months old, and gasping for air….I was holding her pacing with hysterical anxiety in the ER in Florida praying and crying for help.  After the RSV diagnosis and fearful nights, long days of doubt and despair, multiple medicines, and breathing treatments…she healed.  The nightmare was over.

She survived.

I survived.  It was awful.

But this nightmare wasn’t the end, it was only the beginning.  There were countless doctor appointments, ER visits and urgent care interventions to follow in her young years.  As unending medical “treatments” all failed, this was our hopeless and helpless way of life.  This terrible road has been excruciating to both her and I.  And yet, we are here.  We have come so far. We have survived the agonizing hours and days and weeks of ongoing bouts that shake me to my core.

We all have those “raw spots,” don’t we?  My greatest weakness is fear.  My most profound disability is anxiety.  Her life from the moment she was born and turned blue has struck me to my core. Like lightening….Fear. Anxiety. Angst. Terror.

My deepest moments of despair lie in those circumstances that are still vivid and alive in my memory.  Such moments I remember all too well…

There are so many.  I’ll just share a few:

Leaving my 2 year old in the isolated respiratory unit of Children’s Hospital at 2:00am, sobbing…after begging the doctors to please let me take her home.  I was nursing my 5 week old baby boy, and after hours in the ER, I had to leave her alone with strangers….tubes…in her hospital crib…. so tiny…so sick…her oxygen was just not going past 80 after hours of breathing treatments and shots of steroids.  I had no choice.  I had to leave my baby girl.  I cried as hard as my screaming infant all the way home.  I was grateful that my husband could stay with her….but only a mother can feel this pain.  I was always the one who took care of her through those dark long nights while I tried to protect his sleep.  He was our provider. He had his own nightmare of finding work.  It was only in my most desperate moments that I would come into the guest room where he slept and jolt him to his feet begging for help.  He jumped every time I would open that door, always expecting a crisis… it was our way of life.

I flash in my mind to another snowy torturing night alone holding my baby as she clenched her chest and cried in her sleep coughing, wheezing, gasping.  I knew full well where I was headed in the snowstorm.  My husband out of town and my baby boy asleep…..and as it always does, the nightmare continued to unfold.  There was always that breaking point that slowly crept in.  The times that I dreaded would come.  The times where what I thought was the worst was not.  The times where I begged God for healing, with no answer.  No doctor had it.  No specialist had it.

No answer.  Hopeless.

I could never begin to give a number to the amount of hours, days and weeks I have held my child in my arms with a bowl while she gasped for air as I prayed desperate prayers for help.  I could never begin to find the words for the hell we have endured.  I can only use the description of my baby pulling her hair out in clumps to somehow convey the pain and the throttle of existence that rocked me to my core so many times.  Her bald patches and all the clumps of hair I would find through the years was the deep reflection of the trauma she endured.  I too, wanted to pull my hair out in clumps.  I too, felt that unending crack in the earth that engulfed us for days without air.  To this day, my chest tightens every time she coughs.  To this day, I still find hair after a bout.

It’s not clumps anymore, and I don’t shake as hard….

We manage.  She has gotten stronger.  Every time she starts, however, I still respond physically…clenched teeth, chest tightens, perspiration, blood pressure flies, pulse quickens.  Mentally….oh no no no no…I can’t…no please…help, help…God please no.  Emotionally……angst….anger…..fear……anxiety.   It’s been learned.  I don’t know if that will ever change.  I listen to her now, and I still tighten, plead, and tear up in anguish.  I know it could be worse.

I am sharing this part of my motherhood for a reason. I believe that I am learning how to survive my core “black hole.”  I believe that it will never ever go away.  It’s who I am.  But this child was given to me and has led me on a journey of the most critical growth I could ever have imagined.  I believe that through it all….all the pieces…..that came crumbling down inside of me over and over again…..somehow….continue…..to rebuild…..stronger…..more durable….refined…. a little….as our journey unfolds.  All this time, it was all about her.  And yet, I find that maybe it was about me, too.

There is this theme of motherhood that portrays a beautiful sentiment:

…”You were put here on this earth to be your children’s mother… they are a gift and you will teach them and raise them and help them find their ways.  You will direct their paths and you will lead them through learning and understanding who they are.  You will care for them and provide for them all that they need in order to become the human being they were meant to be. You will challenge them and test them and allow them to fall, in order for them to be able to find their footing on more stable ground.  You will show them that the make-up of who they are, is both worthy and worth working on…You will press upon your children, the beauty of their core, both in the dark places and in the light.  You will embrace their weaknesses and guide them through discovering strengths rooted in them. You will help them navigate their plan and find their purpose.  You will be there with them through it all.”

What if, by chance… It actually was the opposite?

“You were put here on this earth to be your mother’s child.  She is a gift, and you will teach her and raise her and help her find her way.  You will direct her path and you will guide her through learning and understanding who she is.  You will care for her and provide for her all she needs in order to become the human being she was meant to be.  You will challenge her and test her and allow her to fall, in order for her to find her footing again on more stable ground.  You will show her that the make-up of who she is, is both worthy and worth working on…you will press upon her the beauty of her core, both in the dark places and in the light.  You will embrace her weaknesses and guide her through discovering strengths rooted in them.  You will help her navigate her plan and find her purpose.  You will be there with her through it all.” 

Hmmm…

Our children….  It’s not just about them.  Apparently, it’s about us too. 

 —

I told you that Chris is incredible and that you’d adore her as much as I do. Here’s a bit more about her:

Mom Cafe PicChris Carter, from The Mom Cafe is a SAHM of two pretty amazing grade school kids.  She has been writing at TheMomCafe.com for almost three years, where she hopes to encourage mothers everywhere through her humor, inspiration and faith.

Find her on The Mom Cafe
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  • Janine Huldie - You made me tear up reading this Chris, because I think we have all had out moments and agree only a mother can relate. One moment for me that comes to mind was having to leave my newly turned one year old to be hospitalized being pregnant with my second and bleeding during my second trimester. I cried to the nurse and doctors on call about leaving my baby that I never left overnight at home. I truly was a hormonal mess and felt torn between my two children in that moment even before having my second one even be born. Yes, I too made it through, but at the time I was truly was distraught and thought I wouldn’t. I do thank god for watching over me and not only taking care of Emma, but Lily in utero, too. So, I think we are blessed my friend, but sure we will got through more moments, because again we are moms and that is what moms do best I suppose.February 19, 2014 – 9:24 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Wow, Janine, I’ll bet that was really really scary, having to leave Emma at home while worrying about Lily in utero! I’m so glad that everything worked out okay and you’re right – I guess that worrying and hoping and getting through the moments really is what moms do best.February 19, 2014 – 10:04 amReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - Oh Janine! That must have been SO hard!!! There is nothing more traumatizing than being separated from your baby… and to be hormonal on top of it just makes it all ten times harder. I get that. I was beyond exhausted too many times to count, and when we are in that vulnerable place already- oh those desperate cries…

      I know. And I thank God too- for carrying me through.

      There will be many more moments… and yes- we WILL get through them. That’s what we do. XOXOFebruary 19, 2014 – 9:28 pmReplyCancel

  • Nicole @ Work in Sweats Mama - Chris, thank you for sharing just a part of your amazing story here. Yes, we were chosen to be our children’s parents, but it never ceases to amaze me how much my daughters give and teach me. Every.single.day. No matter how difficult or tough or frustrating motherhood gets, I always try to remember that I’m the lucky one.February 19, 2014 – 10:03 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Nicole,
      I agree that we – the mothers – are the lucky ones. Even on the crappy days. Thanks so much.February 19, 2014 – 10:11 amReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - I never even imagined how much WE would grow from GROWING our babies… it’s incredible- this journey we are on, Nicole. Isn’t it? We are blessed because of it.February 19, 2014 – 9:29 pmReplyCancel

  • Beth Teliho - Wow. That last paragraph gave me chills and brought tears to my eyes. Your journey….all of them…continues to amaze me. Not only that you endured (are enduring) them, but somehow manage to be one of the most positive, giving, generous, amazing people I know!

    I heart you so BIG, Chris.February 19, 2014 – 10:36 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - I heart her big too, Beth! Chris is amazing!!!February 19, 2014 – 1:00 pmReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - Aw! You are so kind, Beth!!! Thank you so much for your sweet words of encouragement… I am SO grateful for you! Wow. Still crying over this comment. You have blessed me BIG. XOXOFebruary 19, 2014 – 9:30 pmReplyCancel

  • Jessica - Chris, I cannot even begin to imagine how hard this must have been for you all. I have had to bring my son to the ER a couple of times due to dehydration (for some reason, stomach bugs tend to linger with him) and that was frightening enough, never mind a child gasping for air. As an asthma sufferer myself, just hearing anyone talk about not being able to breathe strikes some fear in me. I know I can deal with it, but if it were my child… I don’t know if I could handle it. You have such great faith, and seem so strong after going through this great challenge. I am glad your daughter is doing better, I hope the medical community will continue to be able to heal her so she never has to deal with this again. As for the last part, I completely agree, and this was beautifully said. I have learned so much from my son, more than I could have imagined. And I hope I will be a good teacher for him. Wonderful post, Chris. Thanks to you and Kristi for sharing this. 🙂February 19, 2014 – 10:36 amReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Jessica, going to the ER for dehydration must have been really scary too! I agree that Chris’ faith is incredible and yeah, I think my son has taught me more than I’ve taught him as well.February 19, 2014 – 1:03 pmReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - I am so grateful for your beautiful comment, Jessica. Thank you for taking the time and giving your heart to my story and sharing pieces of your own here too.

      I always love connecting with people that have experienced Asthma firsthand… it gives me such comfort. No one could treat my daughter’s asthma- no medicines worked. No intervention worked and all specialists were simply shaking their heads. It was a hopeless and desperate season for me…

      We found answers in severe reflux, completely destroyed pharynx/larynx/adenoids/upper GI. Multiple ulcers in her stomach. This coupled with abnormally formed sinuses and ears (She’s also legally blind and was hearing impaired for her first three years)made for the great and perfect storm that put together- causes relentless unyielding illness.

      So many pieces to this puzzle that is my daughter. So many years of discovering them all and treating them all- days where I charted 15 meds a day… with still no resolve.

      Endless story- but that’s the nutshell. Much more therapies etc. that went along with that.

      After several surgeries/procedures and medicines- her health is restored- her tissue is still so severely destroyed that they say they have never seen anything like it. Too many doctors looked at me with that “face”- of complete fascination and utter surprise at every corner… long journey.

      (And long reply!! LOL. Sorry- could write pages about her!)

      Thank you Jessica- for your heart here.February 19, 2014 – 9:38 pmReplyCancel

  • Kenya G. Johnson - I “wowed” all the way through your post and especially the last paragraph. This is powerful “You will help her navigate her plan and find her purpose.” Thank you Chris for teaching us this lesson and seeing the flip side of motherhood.

    I can relate to the angst of leaving your baby in the hospital. I had to do this a few days after Christopher was born and we had to go back to the hospital. All I had to do was go back to my room and I sobbed. We were in a military hospital and they let me stay but I couldn’t stay with him. I came back in the middle of the night to look at him and then I was there again at dawn. I would have sat in a chair right beside him all night if they had let me.February 19, 2014 – 10:47 amReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - Oh Kenya! It’s like tearing your heart out when you are taken away from your baby!! I get that- from the very depths of my heart do I get that.

      When Cass was born and turning blue- they had to keep her… I walked the corridors (the night I delivered) to the nursery just to watch her…. I wanted my baby!!February 19, 2014 – 9:41 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Kenya, they had Christopher in another room? Wow. I can’t imagine. I actually assumed that they’d take Tucker to “a nursery” but they didn’t and he slept with me. I do remember bawling though that he wouldn’t “eat.” Little did I know that my boobs, a couple of days later would be all BOOOMMMMMM!!! Whomp. Here we have food now. Awww to the baby C and you though 🙁February 19, 2014 – 10:39 pmReplyCancel

      • Kenya G. Johnson - Christopher was trying to eat but I didn’t know that I wasn’t producing anything. So when I took him back to the hospital through ER he was dehydrated. Poor baby. We didn’t know what was wrong though and they did a bunch of tests. That was like two days after he was born and we spent three more days in the hospital. He was jaundiced too. They let me stay since I was trying to breastfeed. I ache for anyone who has to leave their newborn at the hospital. Plus when they had him under that light for the jaundice he was completely naked. I just imagined he felt so lonely.February 20, 2014 – 6:12 amReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ Golden Spoons - Chris, you know I love you and this is so beautiful!! Motherhood is definitely a journey that is different for everyone. I love that last paragraph – remembering that our children are a gift, not matter how difficult or scary their “issues” are. Fortunately, my girls are very healthy, but we did go through a time when one had some stomach issues that were never really answered. I understand how hard it is to watch them suffer and feel like there is nothing you can do. This is a perfect addition to Our Land!February 19, 2014 – 11:25 amReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - It’s never easy to have to watch your child suffer- no matter the pain. Every parent has they path… and we are all better for taking it. 🙂

      Thanks for your precious words, Lisa! I love you too, my friend. XOXOFebruary 19, 2014 – 9:42 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Such a gift, no matter their issues, is so agreed, Lisa. Thank you…February 19, 2014 – 10:40 pmReplyCancel

  • Emily - This post was very meaningful to me since I am currently watching my youngest son battle cancer. I do find comfort in your words and your conclusion that each child was made specifically for us and vice versa. I do believe that and have believed that even before my son was ill. Thank you for sharing part of your journey here – I am so glad to hear that you are in a much better place now.February 19, 2014 – 11:34 amReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - Oh Emily- simply gasped when I read your comment. Then I cried. And then I prayed….

      You are called to a great place in parenting, and I am in awe of your strength and perseverance in finding solid ground from which you can stand on- and carry your precious boy.

      Please know that you are in my heart. And in my prayers.February 19, 2014 – 9:45 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Xo Emily. Big ones. Like the biggest ones of all.February 19, 2014 – 10:40 pmReplyCancel

  • Mike - Chris, I’m a recent follower to the Our Land series and the stories continue to amaze me. I’m terribly sorry for what you went through and infinitely more so for your daughter. I totally understand feelings of fear and anxiety for anything in life but in direct relation to your life experience with her. You’ve proven to yourself an incredible inner strength yet your daughter possesses a strength and will beyond what we can fathom. So many blessings being sent her way for Right and Perfect health for the rest of her long, beautiful life. This story was very powerful and emotional to read. Thank you for sharing it with us and also to Kristi for bringing you here 🙂February 19, 2014 – 12:15 pmReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - Oh Mike- I am SO grateful for your beautiful words of encouragement and I appreciate your blessings sent our way!!

      We have been through an incredible journey, and you are right- both my daughter and I have endured so much. With that comes a strength and a will that can only be born out of hardship and adversity. You should see my daughter now! Her light shines bright- bold- and assuredly full of hope!February 19, 2014 – 9:47 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Aw, Mike!!! thank you for being such an Our Land supporter!!! You should write one!!!February 19, 2014 – 10:50 pmReplyCancel

  • Tamara - Nearly speechless.
    I do like to think it’s about us too. I like to know that it is.
    I do know bits and pieces of your journey with Cassidy, and this fills in a lot of holes I hadn’t read before.
    May you all breathe easily in decades of years to come.February 19, 2014 – 1:52 pmReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - Last year was the first year we had a fairly ‘normal’ year- it was so new to me to not be in a constant state of desperation. It took a year to trust it- and there were times she got sick and I fell apart yet again- knowing how it goes…

      But each time- brought to now. I still thank God EVERY single night that I can sleep- in a quiet house. Peace is here. Peace is finally here.February 19, 2014 – 9:49 pmReplyCancel

  • Laurie - More pieces to the story, your story. I loved your last paragraph, Chris. I don’t talk about this on my blog because my daughter (23 years old) reads my blog. She was 6 years old before she talked, or articulated, I should say. There were many diagnosis from non-verbal apraxia, development delay, possible autism, low IQ and so many others I can’t remember. None of these threatened her life but raising that child was a bag of mixed blessings. She still has issues, and sometimes I wonder why God chose ME to be her mother, and not someone more patient, understanding, and patient. My daughter now has a sever stutter. My daughter is my hero…who deserved a better mother, yet I received THAT honor. Thanks for sharing your story.February 19, 2014 – 2:17 pmReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - Oh gosh Laurie- that must have been incredibly hard to go through with your daughter!! You had and still have exactly EXACTLY what your daughter needed… flaws and all. Good Lord, I have NO idea why God chose me to care for Cassidy- it was quite frankly the WORST path I could have ever encountered with my anxiety. Do you know I used to scream to God “Why this? Why not diabetes or some silent sickness! I’ll take ANYTHING but this!! I can’t handle the violent sounds and desperate gasps over and over and over again for WEEKS…no break no rest -nothing! Give me something ELSE!”

      I am a mess just thinking about those years- YEARS- endless nights full of every sickness under the sun…coupled with asthma…breathing treatments that never worked…shots of steroids…clumps of hair…crying… blood vessels popped all over her face from the coughing… and on and on and on….

      Long season of suffering..February 19, 2014 – 9:54 pmReplyCancel

      • Laurie - It sounds like you went to hell and back. I can’t imagine watching my child suffer the way you did. Thank goodness it has gotten better for her…for you. No more clumps is a good thing, right?February 19, 2014 – 10:08 pmReplyCancel

    • Kristi Campbell - Laurie, it sounds like we may have some In Common as well. My son is 4 1/2 and can’t say his name. We’re not sure what it is, but THANK YOU for coming here as I loved your vlog!!!February 19, 2014 – 11:06 pmReplyCancel

  • Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. - Chris, I am speechless. Those last two paragraphs, with the contrasting mother-child themes, took my breath away. I have not experienced a medical crisis of a child (yet, knock on wood) but I very much related to these words- “My greatest weakness is fear. My most profound disability is anxiety.” Thanks for such a powerful post. Beautiful.February 19, 2014 – 4:10 pmReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - Oh Stephanie, thank you SO much for your precious words!! I am so glad you haven’t had to experience any medical issues- thank GOD!

      It comforts me so, to know you get that line. So you must get me. And I must get you. Fear and anxiety- defining words indeed. XOFebruary 19, 2014 – 9:58 pmReplyCancel

  • Considerer - Writing so you know I read, Chris.

    This is an incredible piece of writing – very evocative. I held my breath as I read.

    <3 you.
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    • Chris Carter - Oh lizzi!!!! You DID read it after all!!! Oh bless your HEART- for your beautiful support here. You amaze me, dear lizzi…. stretching waaaay beyond yourself to read this and praise me and even give me my LINES!!!! Oh, how I need them… or at least the grace. I can’t keep up.

      Keep ’em comin’…. mom here until TUESDAY!!! (Bangs head on laptop hard)February 19, 2014 – 10:03 pmReplyCancel

      • Considerer - Tuesday? OWWWWW!

        Just remember – she’s there so you can teach her to be a better person. Or something. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT!!!

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  • The Dose of Reality - Aw, CHRIS!!! As I find myself so often doing when I read your beautiful and touching words, I am typing through tears over here. Bobby has had some health challenges among other things and it has sometimes been so hard. I can’t tell you how many hours I’ve spent just sobbing on the phone to Ashley over the years. When I think about all we’ve been through together in this context it just all fits together and seems so right. I think this is it…exactly.

    I could not have read a more meaningful and lovely thing post. Thank you for giving me this today, Chris!! XOXO –LisaFebruary 19, 2014 – 5:04 pmReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - AW Lisa!!!! I am always SO touched by your response to my posts!!! I love that you had Ashley with you during those difficult times with Bobby!! It can be just so hard to do it alone… parenting can bring out our deepest pains and our greatest joys, ya know?

      Thank you for your beautiful comment, dear friend. I SO appreciate you… XOXOFebruary 19, 2014 – 10:00 pmReplyCancel

  • another jennifer - Such a powerful and beautiful post, Chris. That last paragraph is truly striking. I learn so much from my kids. I do believe I was meant to be their mother and they my sons. Just too good for words, this one.February 19, 2014 – 6:07 pmReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - Thank you SO much Jennifer!! I really am so glad I thought of this post for the series. Every mom truly needs to grasp this truth- because it can be SO hard and we can question SO much along this path of parenting.

      Trusting that we were hand picked by God to be the mom of our child- is a fundamental principle we must live by, always.February 19, 2014 – 10:05 pmReplyCancel

  • Dana - To read this after reading Cassidy’s triumphs on the swim team…I have to go back and reread that knowing how hard it was for both of you to get to that point. And like many other commenters, that last paragraph really got me. I smiled and nodded as I read the first one, but I cried a little when I read the last one. How our children make us something more than what we were before.February 19, 2014 – 8:02 pmReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - AW! Thanks Dana!!! I love that you cried ‘a little’… you are SO adorable!! 😉

      And YES!!1 THIS is why Cassidy’s triumph is so incredible!! There are endless layers of painful year after year for my girl. It’s only been since last year where she lived a ‘normal’ life. I must celebrate every new step we take in this new world of what ‘healthy kids do’.

      All new to us. All so wonderfully new!February 19, 2014 – 10:08 pmReplyCancel

  • Michelle - Chris, this was so beautiful. I can’t imagine going through all that you have…you know my story about my son from our book, and I was at wits end throughout all of it. Its the worst feeling to have not been able to help, and just hold them in your arms and love them and pray. As usual, I have tears in my eyes. You always manage to do that to me. Hugs to you, my friend.February 19, 2014 – 11:32 pmReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - Oh Michelle… I absolutely get what you went through- I think at some point in every mother’s journey, they have to endure a similar feat. It’s simply unbearable, but apparently endurable. Us moms MUST make it through for the sake of our children.

      I love that this touched you so deeply, my friend. XOXOFebruary 20, 2014 – 11:16 amReplyCancel

  • Sarah Almond - Somehow with all of my allergies I had two children that did not contract asthma. I just can’t imagine! I think a lot of people don’t understand that it is serious and not just something they make up, and in your daughter’s case scary and life threatening. You describe your situation and emotions so beautifully in this post-you continue to amaze me with your writing Ms Chris! So glad you came to Our Land this week! 🙂February 20, 2014 – 1:28 amReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - Oh Sarah!! You are SUCH a dear… thank you for your kind words and yes oh yes, how blessed you are to NOT have the horrifying ailment of asthma in your precious kiddos.

      Thanks so much for taking time to read my story, dear friend. Truly grateful!February 20, 2014 – 11:19 amReplyCancel

  • jhanis - My son has asthma and we’ve had so many scary moments at the ER. Sometimes I ask why not me, I’m stronger. Why not me, I’ve made so many mistakes in life and I deserve to be the one in pain. Just not my son please
    It’s hard to watch your kid when they’re sick. So thank you for posting this. *HugsFebruary 20, 2014 – 1:35 amReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - I have spent many agonizing nights praying for God to allow ME to have all the pain and horrific illnesses my daughter endured, instead of her. I have begged and pleaded for mercy… and questioned myself along the way. I understand.

      But there’s a piece to parenting that is about surrendering our brokenness in hopes to birth a greater good. There’s a gift in grace…February 20, 2014 – 11:25 amReplyCancel

  • Marcia - Oh sweet Mama, I cannot tell you how in awe I am of your faith! I am not a stranger to your story but every time I read a post with tales of that dark time, it just “wows” me. It is a beautifully touching testimony to the power of faith that is available to all of us to help us through our dark times. Thank you for sharing!February 20, 2014 – 8:16 amReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - And even in those desperate moments of anguish when I felt betrayed and alone… those are the times when we MUST rely on His Holy Presence. Even when we don’t even feel our God with us, that is when we MUST trust that He’s got this, we just don’t see it yet.

      Too many times I gave up on Him, on me, on this dark life I had to live and suffer through to survive. I see NOW, where His Hands were perfectly placed. You simply can’t see things in the dark- hence you MUST simply trust.February 20, 2014 – 11:28 amReplyCancel

  • Karmen - Wow. This is amazing. You are amazing.Your daughter is amazing. Your husband is amazing. Thanks for sharing. You go, girl!February 20, 2014 – 2:43 pmReplyCancel

  • JenKehl - My Skewed View - Wow Chris, this really is amazing and touching and relatable. I remember the hardest time with my Isaiah, when the doctor’s thought he might have Leukemia and started testing him for everything. And I had to keep telling myself everything is for God’s purpose, but I didn’t know if I would be strong enough even though I was telling myself that.
    I am weak when it comes to my relationship with my boy. I am never sure I could make it if ever something was life-threatening. When his tic gets really bad and I worry it is more than the neurologist has said, I lose focus, I pray for hours, and then I worry more.
    This story is so inspiring, thank you for sharing. Really. Thank you!February 20, 2014 – 4:36 pmReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - Jennifer- I get that. Oh do I get that. I seriously “gave up” too many times to count. My second also had asthma and speech and hearing issues…sick a lot too. I lost it over and over again, just thinking there was absolutely no way I would have the strength to endure…

      We did, didn’t we? Somehow, we did.February 20, 2014 – 5:52 pmReplyCancel

  • WriterMom Angela - Chris, as always your writing is beyond eloquent! Thanks for sharing your story, I feel certain it will be helpful to a mom who is dealing with a similar situation! <3February 20, 2014 – 6:56 pmReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - AW! Thanks SO much Angela… so grateful for your sweet encouragement!!! I appreciate you stopping by over here to read this, my friend!February 20, 2014 – 9:51 pmReplyCancel

  • Ilene - Chris – you always, always, find inspiration and wisdom in every moment, every trial, every challenge. And I love how you turn this one around. Yes. yes. Yes. Mine were born to be my children. and all for different reasons. Apparently, I had a lot to learn. xoFebruary 20, 2014 – 9:46 pmReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - Thanks SO much Ilene- you always bless me with your words, you know that? I love that you get this- and it is absolute truth. Apparently I had to learn alot too… and it ain’t over yet! OY. 😉February 20, 2014 – 9:52 pmReplyCancel

  • Rachel - Oh, how heart wrenching to have to leave your two year old! I know I would have sobbed like a baby too. Your take-away from it all is so inspiring.February 22, 2014 – 2:45 pmReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - It was the hardest moment in parenting for me… especially because it was the first time I had to leave her so sick, when I am the one she needs most during those horrifying times! It was tearing my heart out- but somehow, God managed to step in for me and she made it through just fine. I call that a miracle. 🙂February 22, 2014 – 3:17 pmReplyCancel

  • Amber Day Hicks - Tearing up! Takes me back to Kensie’s 21 day stay in the NICU after birth because she couldn’t breath and the 3am calls from the hospital, “you need to get here, we don’t know if she will make it until morning” I’m so grateful God had bigger plans for OUR girls, amen,SSSF? XO! ~A~February 22, 2014 – 4:00 pmReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - Oh Amber!! That sounds TERRIFYING!!! I am SO glad “God had bigger plans for OUR GIRLS!!” AMEN SSSF!!February 25, 2014 – 11:38 pmReplyCancel

  • Lisa @ The Meaning of Me - Kristi, thanks for having Chris over here.
    Chris, thanks for making me cry. No, really! I’m still working on the right words for the post you inspired with your 3-parter (I didn’t forget – it’s just a toughie) and the words you have here get me dead center – we were put here to be the mother of a particular child for a particular reason – and vice versa. I believe it one hundred and ten percent every time I think of my daughter and how our lives are unfolding. There is always a plan. It doesn’t always make sense, but every now and then maybe we see a glimpse of what it’s all about. I really just loved this. Thanks.
    🙂February 23, 2014 – 12:35 amReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - Oh Lisa! Now you’re making ME cry!! I just love that you ‘get it’… and that you are touched by this message. I have all the time in the world to wait for your precious inspired post to come!!

      There is ALWAYS a plan… and we must trust that. Even when we are drowning in it.

      Thank you love, for your sweetness.February 25, 2014 – 11:40 pmReplyCancel

  • Real Life Parenting - What a lovely, moving perspective on motherhood. It’s one I’ve come to see more clearly lately. As my kids are teens and continue pressing on toward their independence and adulthood, I see how much I’ve learned–about them, myself, and this world. Through it all, every day is a lesson. Really beautifully written!February 23, 2014 – 8:13 amReplyCancel

    • Chris Carter - I am so grateful for your kind response, and your beautiful take on this message. I am sure that you have had a journey rich in growth with your kiddos, now nearing independence. Wow. I can only imagine…

      I believe they will continue to teach us, grow us even as adults. And we too, will do the same for them. What a glorious path we are on, as moms.February 25, 2014 – 11:43 pmReplyCancel

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