I started blogging because I was lost and confused. Terrified. Lonely.
Learning that there’s something wrong with your baby and not knowing anybody who has heard similar news introduces a level of loneliness and bewilderment that trumps even the first day of high-school and entering the lunchroom by yourself.
To combat that, I started writing. I started sharing because when I started searching, I found communities that didn’t feel right for me. I wanted community. I wanted you. I wanted us.
I blog because I found you. I found moms with children undiagnosed. I found moms with children diagnosed with a variety of things who welcomed me into their communities because being a special needs mom is something that a mom cannot understand unless she has sat in a doctor’s office wanting to fall to her knees -and trying to wait to do so privately.
I blog because I found moms who don’t know what any of that feels like and still see ME. Mom-me. What a relief to be seen as just a mom. A mom who is allowed to share that sometimes, hearing “chase me!” ilicits an internal groan. Moms who understand that showering is a luxury and one not always worth pursuing. Just mom moms.
I blog because I want to remember that I am a person and a dumbass with a whole separate self from my son. That I, too, exist and have memories worth sharing. I blog because there are times when I choose to draw stupid-looking pictures and not say anything at all about Tucker, about special needs, about today’s IEP, about anything but the whatever thing.
I blog because when I don’t feel like being funny and drawing stupid pictures, you’re still here.
I blog because a mom who could have been me 11 months ago reached out to me…“please help me…” And because of Finding Ninee, I was able to reach back and let my new, unsuspecting sister know that she is not alone. That it’s okay that hearing the word “autism” for the first time fills you with ice and fear. She’s not alone. You, out-there mom, navigating unfamiliar murky shark-filled waters, you’re not alone. And therefore, neither am I.
I blog because tonight we went to the playground and there was a little boy a head shorter than Tucker who created amazingly complex games involving Tyrannosaurus Rex, a maze, a race and a mallet. Hoping that his mother would tell me he was six, I instead heard, from him, that his birthday was in March and that he turned four and that something is wrong with Tucker. I blog because I came home and I cried about that.
I blog because of the legacy. There will be a day when I am not here. There will be a day when Tucker is interested in who I used to be. When he questions how much I loved him. When he worries about being different. When he wants to know more about me and about himself.
I want him to see that I existed outside of his needs. Outside of him. Sometimes, even outside of myself in an effort to create empathy and wonder and acceptance for everybody. With Our Land, I blog to remind you that those who cannot speak have a voice. That those who cannot walk have dreams of running. Of flying.
I want Tucker to know what I believed in. I want him to know that I had the ability to laugh at myself. I want him to know that humanity matters and that I will forever love him. That I struggled with accepting that he would face unfair challenges and that if I were given a choice, I’d gladly trade anything for him to not have to face them. That he is accepted and loved and cherished and important regardless of them.
I want him to read that I love him more than anything. Than everything. I want him to see that there are people out there like you who will help him and embrace him regardless of his ability to communicate and to socialize and to understand. I want him to see your comments and your love. I want him to see that he matters.
That he can change the world.
My son has forever has changed my role in the universe. He has changed me from being me. He has made me more.
I am more. I am more because I am a special needs mom. I am more for being a mom at all. I am more because of Tucker, because of you and because I blog.
Were you hoping for something more lighthearted with stupid-looking drawings? If so, I’ve talked about why I blog and how I began here. You’ll get your stupid-looking pictures fix there.
I’m a co-host!
The super cool kids who created Finish the Sentence Friday (I joined the minute I learned about it and am fairly sure I haven’t missed a week since) have agreed to allow me to CO-HOST tonight. You don’t have to follow me unless you want to, you don’t have to um, whatever it is they do in host linkie things. Which means I’m the best co-host ever right? Ok maybe not. Still. I’m super psyched to be a co-host this week.
This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post. The sentence is “I blog because…”
Well, tonight, Me!: Facebook, Twitter and always:
Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic (Twitter, Facebook)
Can I get another bottle of whine? (Twitter, Facebook)
Mommy, for Real (Twitter, Facebook)
Dawn’s Disaster (Twitter, Facebook)