One of the most embarrassing things I ever did was…”
Sadly, I really had to think about this because the amount of times I’ve managed to embarrass myself is, well, many.
I wondered about sharing the time in seventh grade when I held in a fart for so long that I’d forgotten about it and while bending sideways to retrieve a fallen notebook, let it loose, really loudly. It reverberated against that seventh-grade plastic chair like nobody’s business. The best part? I was sitting right next to the crush of my life and then wasn’t quick-witted enough to blame it on the weird kid in front of me.
I thought about writing about the time I was supposed to give a moving speech at my dad’s 70th birthday celebration. When it was my turn, I completely lost my train of thought and in a really lame attempt to explain how cool my dad is shared that when I was weighing then-boyfriend pros and cons my dad asked me how the sex was. What I didn’t mention that he was merely stating that it is an issue in every relationship and should be on either the pro or the con list. So instead, it came across like my dad and I have really weird and really inappropriate talks about our sex lives. I’m sure he was proud of me that night.
I considered writing about the time that I met with a potential vendor at work and about five minutes into his presentation, I sneezed. The kind of huge sneeze that requires HAZMAT cleanup. I wiped down my hands, blew my nose and told him to continue. It wasn’t until he left and I pondered why he so actively avoided shaking my hand that I looked down and realized there was snot all over my shirt. I’m not talking about a little stray booger. I’m talking that it looked like somebody threw snot-colored cooked spaghetti on me. Needless to say, vendor dude never did call me.
I also thought about telling you about the Halloween when I had too much to drink and while being carried up the stairs by my brother’s friend, I threw up all over his back. But I decided we’ve all done that, or close enough, so it’s really not that embarrassing. (He later became Husband Number One, so he must have not been THAT bothered!)
There’s no way I’m writing about some of the totally embarrassing shit I did on company trips while sleep deprived, stressed out and really buzzed, because some of my old co-workers read this. If they didn’t witness it or hear about it back then, I’m not about to let them know about it now.
I’m also not writing about the time that I gave my date a bloody nose and a fat lip because he was leaning in for a kiss though the car window and I opened the door. On his face.
In the end, I decided that the event that continues to make me want to smack myself in the head happened at a wedding. The saving grace is that it wasn’t MY wedding. I was at a wedding sporting this really amazing new dress. I was especially proud as I’d recently lost a few pounds and it fit really well. I’m normally not a hose-wearing gal and can pretty much always find an excuse to not wear them, no matter the occasion. But for this particular wedding, and this particular dress, I made an exception.
Fun was being had by all and at some point, I excused myself to use the restroom. I finished my business and manipulated those tricky hose back up and went to wash up. I then met my date, drank champagne and we danced. It wasn’t until about an hour later (nope, not exaggerating it was seriously that long) that one of my date’s friend’s girlfriends was kind enough to point out that the back of my dress was tucked ALL THE WAY into my flesh-ish shimmery hose. And. I wasn’t wearing panties. No wonder that one creepy drunk dude kept flirting with me.
My date claimed to have not noticed as he was looking at “my beautiful face” but I’m pretty sure he was lying. I never went on another date with that guy again.
Because I do not have any photographic evidence of this event (OMG I just realized that other people probably DO), I’ve drawn you a picture. The thing is, I looked in the bathroom mirror at my reflection. My front reflection. Note to future self: ALWAYS check out your own ass in the bathroom mirror. It might be virtually naked.
This post is a part of Finish The Sentence Friday, where our supercool hosts think of a sentence and then we get to finish it. The awesome hosts:
Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic (Twitter, Facebook)
Mommy, for Real (Twitter, Facebook)
JenJen’s Soapbox of Parodies (Twitter, Facebook)
Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine with My Morning Quiet Time (Twitter, Facebook)
This week’s sentence was obviously “One of the most embarrassing things I ever did was…”
Next week’s sentence to finish: “The last time I went on vacation, I…
And now you’re all like “OMG! Kristi posted twice in one day! Awesomesauce!” Right?
Oh and if you’re wondering about how today’s earlier events turned out, click here. I’ve given you a handy little update. ‘Cause I’m nice like that.
PS – I was just proofreading this and chuckling just a little bit. The hubs: “What’s so funny?” Me: “Me.” Which then made me actually laugh. Something might be wrong with me.